In this episode, Whitney Kobrin, Love Expert and Dating Coach, is back again to join us for a new segment, Hot Topics, as we discuss a recent research article “Overcoming Purity Culture & Sexual Dissatisfaction to Feel Empowered In Your Sexuality.” We explore how the restrictive messages of purity culture contribute to sexual shame and dissatisfaction, particularly for women, impacting not only their ability to fully embrace their sexuality, but also the physical manifestation of sexual pain like vulvodynia and vaginismus. We share frank personal experiences and strategies to reconnect with your body and rediscover pleasure through non-sexual touch, open communication, and trust-building practices.

The conversation highlights the importance of understanding personal desires, building comfort with intimacy, and aligning with one’s natural cycles for deeper, authentic connections. We hope that through this episode you feel empowered to break free from limiting beliefs, reclaim pleasure, and foster a confident, fulfilled sexual identity.

In This Episode:

  • Breaking Free from Purity Culture’s Constraints
  • Embracing Your Sexuality as an Integral Part of Your Identity
  • The Moment of Awakening: Understanding Your Body’s Needs
  • Starting Small: Non-Sexual Ways to Connect with Pleasure
  • The Power of Slow: Why Taking Your Time Matters
  • Communicating Your Needs with Your Partner
  • The Role of Trust and Safety in Sexual Exploration
  • Understanding and Tracking Your Cyclical Nature
  • Practical Tips for Inviting Playfulness into Intimacy
  • Choosing a Life of Fulfillment Beyond Tolerance

Listen to the Episode:

Show Notes:

More About Whitney Kobrin:

Whitney Kobrin is a Dating & Relationship Expert and Love Coach who has transformed the love lives of hundreds of women. Whitney blends decades of experience overcoming her own dating and relationship challenges with professional training in Psychology,Life Coaching, and trauma therapy.  Whitney has been featured on Amazon TV, Roku, MSN.com, andmany other outlets spreading her empowering message that “Modern dating is frustrating, but LOVE is still worth it!”  Drawing on her past experience as a Matchmaker, Whitney equips women with practical dating skills for today’s complex world. Then, she also takes clients deeper into the inner work needed to love yourself, heal damaging patterns, and attract the high-caliber partner you truly deserve. Whitney’s unique approach compassionately addresses the whole self: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. We are so excited to welcome Whitney Kobrin!  Website: ⁠https://whitneykobrin.com/⁠

Love Coach In My Pocket Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@WhitneyLoveCoach⁠https://www.youtube.com/@WhitneyLoveCoach⁠

Transcript

Welcome to the Unapologetic with Janine McKinnon podcast, your go to place for approachable conversations around sacred sexuality and conscious relationships. I’m your host, Janine McKinnon, certified trauma informed sex, love, and relationship coach, who’s on a mission to serve you. Support 1 million women and couples to experience deeper connection and more expansive pleasure inside and outside the bedroom.

This is the space to go deep to dive below surface level relationships and mess sex and explore the sacredness that sexuality and conscious relationships have to offer. Because deep connections, spiritual sexuality, full body orgasms, and transmuted sexual energy are available to everyone. And I’m here to serve the collective, to provide the knowledge, wisdom, and tools to access them.

Thank you so much for being here. I’m so grateful we’re able to connect in this way. And I can’t wait to dig into the contents of this episode with you. Without further ado, let’s get into it.

📍 📍 📍 📍 Hello, and welcome back to another episode inside the Unapologetic with Janine McKinnon podcast. We are switching things up a little bit today and bringing in a new segment called Hot Topics. And today I am joined by Whitney Cobran, love expert and dating coach here to dive into a hot topic with us today.

Welcome back, Whitney.

Thank you, Janine. Happy to be here.

Yeah. It’s so funny that it’s only a few episodes later that I’m having you back already. But I just felt so called to talk about this particular hot topic with you. And so for a bit of context for those listening in, we are recording now on a Friday.

And I believe you sent me this article on like Monday or Tuesday, it was only a few days ago. And it was all around. Purity culture and the impact it has on sexual wellness, specifically women experiencing sexual pain and different dysfunctions. And it got me so fired up because I feel like this is such a big topic.

It affects so many couples and at the same time, as It’s terrible as it is that this is what so many women are experiencing. It’s really nice and validating that it is getting time to be researched, to have these conversations. And so I just really wanted to have you on to be able to give more time and space to this type of conversation.

Yes. I think it’s so important to discuss the intersection of our spirituality and our sexuality.

Absolutely, because they really are something to be blended, and they do go hand in hand and so much can be very separating of it, so I’m excited to go into it. I’ll just share a little bit from the beginning of the article, and this is an article from SciPost, or Psychology News, written by Eric W.

Dolan, and it’s titled, Purity Culture Equals Horrible Sex. New research sheds light on white Christian women’s sexual wellbeing. A recent study published in the Journal Journal Sociology of Religion has revealed a connection between adherence to purity culture ideals, and increased rates of sexual pain disorders among white American Christian women.

The study found that belief in certain purity culture principles was linked to both higher rates of sexual pain and lower satisfaction in marriages. However, women who would never internalize these beliefs tended to have more satisfying relationships, which is definitely interesting seeing the impact on these different belief systems on your body.

Also compared to not having these belief systems at all.

Yeah, and I think it’s so interesting too, that mind body connection, right? Just having these beliefs and being told certain things about us that, that it actually, Not only changes our satisfaction in our sex life, but physical pain. It’s just wild, but so,

so true.

It’s so linked. Yes, it is. And that’s what was one of the pieces that was so reaffirming for me is that yes, our belief systems have a massive impact on our bodies. I think so many people tend to keep them very separated, but they’re so tied together and when we’re. Raised impurity culture and we have these beliefs just hammer down on us when we’re little sponges taking everything in and then it continues to stack on through our adolescence with the different teachings that are going on at school and the church within our households that’s layering.

on, more and more onto our bodies, onto our nervous systems. And that impacts our body and how it reacts. And this research shows that this isn’t some like, woo woo out there concept. Like, no, this is actually what happens. Our beliefs and our thoughts have a massive impact on our bodies.

Yeah, and so many people aren’t even aware of these underlying beliefs, right?

It’s like a fish doesn’t know it’s in water. It’s like it’s all around us. It’s the only thing we know. And so we often don’t even realize that we have that belief until we start to dig in or have somebody else like a therapist or coach or someone that we trust that’s able to point that out.

Yes, absolutely.

So often I find women are looking and people in general are just looking at these symptoms. And so in relation to the study is, oh, I have vaginismus or vulvodynia or different things like this going on. I need to work on this thing or this thing is impacting my life. And when we take a step back rather than looking at that, Main symptom and treating that and often it’s something many women are stuck with or keeps returning and that’s because there’s that broader root cause of those belief systems and you’re not actually going to make that leap forward until that is looked at.

Yeah, so we can dig into some of those belief systems that they looked at, which is, it’s come up in different conversations and some of them I’m just like, uh, like, really, why is this something that is still taught and hammered into people? And so this study. Assess participants past and current belief systems in various purity culture tropes and measure these beliefs in relation to three key outcomes.

So that’s the marital satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, and sexual pain disorders like vaginismus and vulvodynia that I had touched on. And so the beliefs that they looked at, they focused on six main belief systems found in evangelical teachings. And so there is. gatekeeping, the belief that women must be modest to curb male satisfaction, perpetual lust, the idea that men are inherently lustful and women must accommodate this, soul ties, the belief that premarital sex creates lasting bonds that damage future relationships, Obligation sex, this is a big one, which suggests that a wife must provide sex to maintain her husband’s happiness and fidelity.

And sexual methadone, which implies that women should engage in sexual activities to prevent their husbands from seeking satisfaction outside the marriage.

What a wild way to try to encourage a woman to have sex. Like that is not the turn on, like, Oh, I guess I have to do this because otherwise my husband’s going to go cheat with other women.

It’s, it’s so weird that this is coming from religion, which is supposedly the spiritual side and yet it’s like. So different than what it can be when we really unite our own individual Spiritual and energetic self into our our sex life and love life.

Yes, absolutely It’s so it’s so fear based Which is a lot of those evangelical teachings and it’s just the main motivator That they’re trying to place on women as you need to do this in servitude for fear of what’s going to happen You If you don’t, that your husband is going to pursue his lust elsewhere outside the home, outside the marriage.

And it’s just, it’s so disempowering to both sexes, really. Like, yes, it’s completely taking away your sexuality as a woman, And it’s just something you’re providing as if it’s a job and a chore and not something you’re supposed to enjoy whatsoever. And like dwindling men down to just these lustful, sexual beings that don’t have control over themselves and we have to appease them or else they’re just going to follow their lust.

Like, That’s also pretty disempowering to guys too.

Yeah. Yeah. It always bothers me. I’m, I’m a feminist. I’m all about women’s empowerment, but it bothers me when people put down men and say, Oh, men are all Neanderthals or men are all jerks or men are stupid. Like, no, they’re not. That’s just part of the problem.

We can’t fight fire with fire and just. You know, we need to find a way to elevate all of us. And yeah, these messages are absolutely not empowering or inspiring to either men or women.

No, they’re not. And I’m glad you brought that up because that’s something that’s just always rubbed me the wrong way is how Feminism in some conversation gets to a point where it’s just tearing men down for so many things.

And I know it’s come really clear in my work and working with people. If we shame and hate these parts of ourselves, we’re not really going to rise up and transform. Like you can’t hate yourself into being more loving or even into losing weight. Like it just, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t stick. We need to be able to, as you said, elevate.

Ourselves elevate our partners and hating on men isn’t going to fix the situation we’re in. I think it really takes seeing each other for the magic we are able to provide. The beauty that comes in both femininity and masculinity and being able to bring that out out of each other, that’s how we really create that harmony.

Do you desire to feel confident in your body and empowered in your sexuality? The honeypot meditation is a potent 12 minute visualization to support you in connecting with your sexuality and rewiring your subconscious with the confident, radiant energy you’d love to embody. Download completely free through the link in the show notes and get ready to immerse yourself in a visceral experience as you connect with your sensual, radiant essence.

📍 📍 📍 📍 Yeah, can you talk a little bit about the physical effects in the body from the fear and hate and those kind of emotions that you were just talking about?

Yes, absolutely, and so in relation to this article specifically, having that fear that we have to do this or else this other thing’s going to happen, that’s

 

 

So many women are put in this position of having sex when they don’t want to, whether or not they’re in the mood in the moment, maybe they’re in that group that doesn’t even feel satisfied within their marriage, yet they’re still having sex with their partners because they feel like they have to.

And they’re, arousal isn’t even looked at at all. So penetration is occurring when their body is not aroused and does not want it. And so every single instance of this is compounding this fight or flight response in our bodies, essentially. Like, we’re closed up, we’re not wanting it, we’re trying to protect ourselves, yet we’re doing this thing we don’t want to do.

And so every time it’s cementing in our neural pathways and in our body and nervous system, the same thing. This closing down, the shutting down, not wanting it. So over time, as these stack on top of each other with every single instance, like, maybe this is like a weekly chore that you have to do to keep your man satisfied.

So 52 times a year over years. Sometimes decades that’s leaving this massive impact on your body. And so that begins to manifest in larger physical symptoms, instead of just being shut down, not getting wet, not getting aroused, not orgasming, which is like that beginning or stage, then it begins to manifest.

And your body begins to speak louder and louder and louder. And that’s where those different things like vulvodynia and vaginismus and other issues start to flare up and become a bigger issue. And not only does it impact the physical body, it’s also impacting confidence hugely. Feeling like something’s wrong with you, impacting your relationships.

It’s, yeah, it’s, it’s so sad that this is what so many people are experiencing without the tools or the knowledge of what exactly is going on.

 

 

 

Yeah. Yeah. Well said. That’s just. It’s so wild that we’re doing this to people and still experiencing this, and just from the start of that first belief about that we can’t inspire the lust of these lustful men.

Well, it basically leaves no room for a woman’s turn on at all. Like, if a woman’s turned on, then that’s a bad thing because she’s in, instigating all the men around her. And so it just like causes women to shut down all of their sexuality. If they really take that in and believe that. And yeah, it’s no wonder that what percent, you probably know the stat of women don’t orgasm.

I

wish I remembered the percentage right off the bat. I believe it’s more than half. Yeah, which is huge. And I’m glad you, you pulled out that specific belief system because that’s something I see being very common, even if you’re not necessarily in that strict purity culture home, but in homes where their parents were often raised in that way.

And perhaps they’re doing things a little bit different, but there’s still that undercurrent, those core belief systems in the parents. And so that’s going to come out. When you’re having different experiences and perhaps you’re starting to feel a little bit sensual and you have a date and are going out dressed in a certain way and the parent makes those comments like, Oh, how can you go out like that?

You’re a slut. You’re a whore, different things like that. And often like, it’s just coming out of these parents. They’re not necessarily having this full logical breakdown of it. It’s. triggering in them and they’re just repeating those patterns. And we take that on so that our sexuality, our sensuality is wrong.

It’s shameful, it’s sinful, it’s something we have to hide and suppress. And so again, Layering this on every single time we receive a message, we’re squashing down this part of us and hating essentially this piece of us. And how can we fully be confident in who we are? Love our full selves when this inherent part of us is so wrong and shameful.

 

 

 

And then on top of it, we have our society and our society as a whole is glamorizing it. all sorts of crazy promiscuity and, and hookup culture and sex. And so it’s like black and white thinking it’s all or nothing. It’s either your sexuality is bad and should be held back and repressed. And it’s only the service that you give to your betrothed or it’s own your power, have sex with anybody and everybody.

And it’s like, neither of those are really good for us Transcribed Inside as a human.

Yes, absolutely. It’s like these two polar opposites and it’s like, okay, we’re, we’re fighting back against this purity culture. So we’re going to go all out and hook up culture and just hook up with whoever, whenever, and there’s this, this beauty in the middle.

Of those things and being able to find this integration between that empowerment, owning your sexuality, feeling comfortable as a sensual being and the sacredness that that has both for ourselves and being able to share that with a partner, that sacred energy exchange. It’s so beautiful. And I think that deserves coming up in conversations too.

And when we’re able to I think it helps them realize when that’s not what’s happening. Oh, something’s not quite right here. That’s what I want. It’s not supposed to be this like disconnected thing. There, it can be something that’s so beautiful. That’s what I want. And being able to have that clarity around that to want to seek that out.

 

 

 

Yeah,

 

 

 

and I think that it contributes to a lot of women as we are in our sexual years, whether it’s before or after we’re married. A lot of us might think, well, this really hot guy over here I have great sex with, but which one do I choose? The guy that I have really great sex with or the guy that could be a potential partner, right?

It’s like the Madonna and the whore, but it goes both ways. We are in our modern culture. A lot of women are looking at men that same way that men look at women. Am I going to choose the girl that I can take home to mama or the girl that I can have really great sex with? And I think it’s so beautiful when we can unite both of them and have the self control, right?

Because a lot of this is about control. It’s about controlling. People from the outside, right? These leaders, religious leaders and parents are trying to control their Children, their daughters. But what we need to learn is how to control ourselves. Because if you have no self control, then people do tend to come in and try to control it.

But when we can. Be instilled with healthy values and then move on to be able to control ourselves to be able to say no, when we don’t really want it. Right? How many women, how many of the listeners right now have had sex or done some sort of similar thing when you didn’t really fully want to, but like one thing led to another and it just sort of happens.

And so I think that, right. Ownership of our own self and our own body to make those decisions and to know that we can hold back and wait for something that feels amazing, because a lot of times those acts that might even feel good in the moment, there’s an equal and opposite reaction afterwards, and the next day.

Stay or a couple days later, like all of a sudden you just feel down or depressed. And maybe it’s for a specific reason. Maybe you don’t even know why, but I, yeah, so much here.

 

 

 

Yeah. I, and I’ve definitely been there. And that’s why I think this work within sexual empowerment is so important in taking ownership of your sexuality and feeling empowered in that.

And it becomes devotional for me. It’s this devotion to yourself for the sacred energy within yourself. And when you have this, Deep connection with it, when it’s something that’s beautiful and empowering for you, you begin to have more discipline around it. Who do I actually want to share this with? And I think something for me that came up in what you’re sharing is in my earlier more wild days, it was like, Oh, he likes me.

I like being liked, I’m gonna just go along with this, like it wasn’t necessarily me particularly seeking people out and thinking about if they’re a right match for me, as much as it was in reaction to their attention to me. And then just kind of going along with it because that’s what felt good. And so I think there’s so much against strength and beauty and creating that shift and having that ownership of it within yourself and being able to make those choices of who do I want to share this with?

How do I want to share it with? And being able to have that more sacred sexuality through it and that when you’re able to have all of those orgasms and that deep connection compared to on that other end like more purity culture where you’re often not even able to have orgasms or even in hookup culture where there’s a lot of more dissatisfaction and sure sometimes it feels good in the moment but then you can be left with regret for a few days as you had mentioned.

When you’re in the spot where it feels good, that’s you get all of these amazing hormones flooding through your body and that’s how you really become radiant and magnetic.

Yeah. I remember in college having some friends that were in long term relationships and even living together. And I remember I couldn’t even wrap my head around that because I was so far from having a healthy, happy relationship at that time.

And it was like living in this hookup culture and. I mean, trying, I tried to have relationships, but it was not great. So I’m curious, you know, I think there’s a lot of people out here who might be in the age of being a parent or about to become a parent also. So I’m curious, what do you think, what kind of beliefs would you want instilled in your children or how can people begin to talk about sex or start to form these beliefs?

In a way, that’s not creating shame and fear for their question.

Um, and I love this. And for me, this is one of many topics where I think it’s really important to be open with our kids because we want to be the ones that they turn to. When different questions come up, and when different experiences happen, we want them to be able to come with someone that has an understanding, to be able to talk them through it, instead of having so much shame, or embarrassment around these things, that they’re going to talk to who knows who on the playground, or this person’s older brother or sister, and like, who knows what information they’re getting, or, even worse yet, going to porn.

To look for these things, which is something that’s really popped up quite a bit in Facebook groups I’ve been noticing is kids getting in younger and younger and with their curiosity and they have embarrassment of talking about it with their parents that they innocently they go to look on the internet and they find porn and this is where they’re getting their information about sex and it’s so damaging to the brain, it’s so damaging to relationships and so it’s really important to be open.

With our kids, and so I’ve started from as soon as I was talking with my kids, just naming body parts appropriately, and then when they inevitably start to touch themselves or something like that, talking to them about it and not, um, Immediately having shame around it, because I think a lot of parents want to be like, empowering and good about it.

It’s like, oh, that’s something to do in private. And absolutely. And if we immediately are saying, that’s something to do in private. That’s something wrong, something to do away from everyone else. So, taking time to be like, oh, I know it feels good. And it does feel good when you do that to your body. And that’s something that we do in private.

So being able to reinforce that it’s okay and that it does feel good. And then building on those conversations. Have you seen the movie, uh, Poor Things?

I don’t think so. You have to watch it. It’s pretty incredible. Yeah. They, they basically create, um, a newborn in a fully grown woman’s adult body. And so she is learning and exploring the world and, like, growing up in this really fast, fast pace, and all of a sudden she finds, you know, sex, and is just, like, treating it like a little kid would, you know, like, they just, they don’t know any better, and so she, yeah, it’s wild, you gotta watch it, but.

I remember when my son came to me at two years old and then he was like, mommy, my peepee’s big. And he’s like freaking out because he’s never seen it do that before. Yeah. And it was really just like, I just. Treasure that moment because I had found it so funny and cute and I just, you know, I just played it off like he doesn’t remember it at all.

And it was not a big deal, but yeah, they are going to figure it out and they are going to get curious. And we do have a body and we are sexual beings, right? If we were not sexual beings, we would. Reproduced by spores that come from the tip of our finger or something, but we don’t like we’re masculine and feminine for that reason.

And it really is a big part of who we are and what we are, and we need to learn how to use it properly. And these control tactics placed on us from other people that are just trying to control us and shame us and put us in fear. I, again, like you said, I’m glad that this article is doing this research that we’re educating people.

I mean,

 

 

I imagine people, women who are suffering from some of these conditions will go to their doctor and the doctor, you know, isn’t going to reset their beliefs. They’re not going to talk to them about all of these things. So it’s, it’s just great that we have people. Um, like you and me and coaches that are willing and able to address even these topics that for so many people can be shameful and embarrassing, but it’s just part of our human body in our life.

Yeah, it

is such a beautiful part of us as humans, and I love bringing attention to the fact for our female biology that the clitoris is the only human organ The sole purpose is pleasure, and it has over 10, 000 nerve endings. You think about a man’s penis, that’s multifunctional. But our clitoris, the only thing it does is receive pleasure.

It is quite literally our brain. birthright, and we would not have this if we were not meant to have pleasure. It does something for us, and it’s something for us to embrace. And when women are facing these different issues, as you touched on, typically they’re going to go to their doctor. And I saw a post just today, and I did not fact check it, so don’t hold me to the stat, but what it said is that the typical doctor receives 10 hours.

of sex educational training. Wow. Only 10. Like, that is nothing. They have no idea what they’re talking to. When it comes to sexual education, like, my core training is 650 hours specifically on sex, love, and relationships, with more stacked on top of that. It is such a wide, Topic, all of this and turning to someone that only has 10 hours, they’re only going to be able to provide you what little knowledge they’ve acquired.

And now this isn’t all doctors. And like I said, I haven’t fully checked out that stat, but you can imagine that that is somewhat the going rate. And so if this is something that listeners are dealing with, It’s taking time to think about, okay, who is best suited to support me in this? Who has the training like us that has spent hours and years specifically in this area?

We’re the ones that can help you uncover these different layers rather than diagnosing and treating this initial symptom because it is so much deeper than that.

 

 

 

Yeah, and I’m sure that there are plenty of women that just won’t even go to their doctor out of embarrassment, or maybe they don’t have a specific.

categorizable, um, disorder, but it just is uncomfortable or just hurts or they’re just not orgasming, right? You don’t go to your doctor and say, I’m not orgasming, help me orgasm. Like, I, I don’t, I don’t think that most people would do that. But what we continue to tolerate in our life, we’re basically saying, yes, I choose this.

This is exactly what I want. I want more of it. And we will continue to get more of it. We continue to just get what we tolerate. And so I hope that this message finds someone who has been tolerating a really unhealthy experience with sex related to their shame and their fear. And that they decide, I don’t have to put up with this anymore.

I don’t have to tolerate this. It can get better, whether that’s just with yourself or with your partner, your husband, it’s, there’s so much opportunity to improve in that area.

Yes. Oh, so well said. And there really is so much opportunity. It can get better. And I love what you brought up because it specifically keeps coming up in conversations I’ve had this week, is that what you don’t change.

You’re choosing. So if you’re not actively creating this change to work towards something you want, you are choosing to be exactly where you are with what you are tolerating, what you’re accepting within your life. And if you are tolerating and accepting this kind of sex life or relationship life and these kinds of experiences with yourself, is that really what you want to be tolerating and choosing?

Because there Is so much out there that can be done to work through these things. And a big piece of that is working with your belief systems with creating that foundation of love, safety, and belonging within. I had a client session just earlier today

 

 

where there was those inklings of purity culture coming in and it’s squashing down.

That sexual part of us, because it’s wrong and feeling like we need to control ourself because it doesn’t feel safe to surrender and let go. And so that’s why so often I see women who feel that need to control, to control how everything’s going. And I’m, as I’m speaking out loud, it’s like, Oh, control, just like we touched on.

It’s like control in this way. So it translates to control in our lives. And when we are controlling and staying in our head, we can’t lose ourselves in our body and in our sensations and have these expansive orgasms because that feels scary as fuck and like what’s going to happen if I lose myself. So being able to create that foundation of trust in yourself that you’re not going to lose yourself.

Go who knows where when you lose yourself, you’re, you’re really surrendering to yourself and that’s where that expansiveness comes. That relationship starts with you and then it translates into those partner and experiences.

 

Do you desire more in your relationship and sexuality? Whether you’re excited to explore or feel held back by your challenges, I’m here to support you where you need it. I invite you to book a complimentary connection call through the link in the show notes. During our time together, you’ll share your desires and I’ll provide you with just the right resources to support you wherever you are in your journey.

Again, that is a complimentary connection call through the link in the show notes to spark a shift in your sexuality and relationships.

📍 📍 📍 📍 And do you have clients that come to you that just feel like, well, I guess this just isn’t me.

I guess I just can’t do this. You know, I want to make my husband happy. I want to make someone else happy. Like those people that think that they can’t. Have you had experiences of helping them get there where they do begin to enjoy it and feel that turn on?

Yeah, so

 

 

I feel very thankful that I think because of having conversations like these, when women come into my sphere, they’re like, I used to think that, and you’ve shone light on something that had all these layers of dust that was there.

within me and now I can’t unsee it and I know this is possible and I know I don’t want this anymore, but like, how the heck do I do this thing? And so that’s where I’m like, you have come to the right person. I’m here to like guide, like to walk you on this pathway of how you’re able to really cultivate this within yourself.

And then they get to experience these things.

 

 

 

A spirit of, of that’s why I’m here, right? Let’s do this. Let’s, yeah. You don’t have to stay

in that, that space. No, you don’t. And it’s all in those baby steps too. I think that’s important to touch on is, especially if you’re someone super entrenched in purity culture and feeling so wrong in your sensuality, getting all these toys and playing with yourself and like trying to do this full thing.

Chances are that’s not really going to work for you and it’ll either be too much or it’s just like not going to feel right. And so that’s where baby steps really come in. And I love, for me, a great baby step in these situations is just connect with pleasure non sexually first. Give yourself a luscious face massage when putting on your evening cream and things like that.

Drop into the pleasure of your like, decadent, delicious meal. And just allow yourself to build a connection with your pleasure through that more safe container. And then take the baby steps into your sexuality. But without going like, full board. Take the freak out of the closet. Yeah. Yeah.

And also even when, when we do get into sex, it often doesn’t have, I don’t want to say it’s not good if it’s not 45 minutes, but there’s like this thing that happens after about 45 minutes.

Where we’re actually able to relax and some people, you know, they’re, they’re done in 10 minutes every single time or, or you’re going and you’re a few minutes in and it just isn’t feeling good, but yeah, we, we need time to soften, to open. Um, so I love how you’re saying, well, start that while you’re in the kitchen.

Start that while you’re in the bathroom. Start that before you even get in there. Um, but yeah, slowing down, taking that time, being gentle. Um, if someone does have that. Response of tightening and, you know, anything else that you would recommend for them.

Yeah, I’m glad you brought that up because that slowness is such a key part of it with women.

I wouldn’t necessarily say welcoming, but saying okay to penetration before we’re ready. And what we need is that slowness. What we need is warming up those outside edges before going inward. Like, going to our genitals to turn us on isn’t actually the pathway to pleasure for most women. Not all, there’s some that are more of a sexual blueprint.

But being able to start with maybe it’s your neck or hands in your hair and really Waking up your body because for us, I feel like our body awakens through touch, through that warm up. And when it’s right to the genitals, that’s where that concentration is. And we’re not able to fully relax and to feel the energy flow unless we’re intentionally taking time to wake up our entire body, touching our arms, our legs.

Uh, anytime I do a yoni practice, it. begins with warming up your thighs, touching all around your body, your lower belly, before going anywhere close to your yoni. And that’s how we’re able to soften, relax, come alive. And when it comes with our partners, That builds trust too. One thing I like to recommend for those in those relationship dynamics where often the guy’s like, Oh, come on.

I just want in. It’s like, hold up. Um, is to be like the weight guys. Trust me. Yes. And it’s like, Oh, I can’t wait to do that with you. And I want you to make me really want it. And then it’s kind of like this fun challenge. I’m thinking of our previous episode where you had these fun friendly invitations.

And so it’s like bringing that into the bedroom, like make me really crave it, make me beg for it. And that’s how they’re able to really warm you up and turn you on. And when we’re in that state, we’re so much more engorged too, like physically, we’re much more engorged and that feels really good for them.

And energetically, we’re so much more turned on moving that energy. And so that feels really good with that partner again, bringing in that sacred energy exchange. Yeah,

you know, I’ve noticed that if, if my, my partner comes right into my neck, I automatically have this, um, kind of pullback that happens and I get really ticklish and it’s like you can’t even touch it or go near it.

But if you warm it up a little bit, you kiss a little, you like, after a while, then I can totally open it up and it can be all, and it’s exactly the same down there. If you just go too soon, you’re going to have this pullback effect, this tightening, this shutdown, this no, do not pass go. And it’s all unconscious.

Like I’m not thinking about that neck thing. It really does feel ticklish. It feels like you can’t touch that. You can’t go there. It’s not okay, but then 10 minutes later, you can, and I want you to, and you better right now, please. Yes.

Yeah, and that, those instances, they’re frustrating, not only for us, but for our partners too, where it goes in that spot, and then we just like, close

up.

Imagine how confusing that could be. He’s like, I thought you liked being touched there. Why do you not like being touched? Like, we have to communicate and, and explain that, and Yeah, women, this is why women can be so confusing to men because a lot of what we do is based on how we feel and how we feel changes and we’re cyclical and seasonal.

And so what you like at one point might be different than what you like. So yeah, just, just a reminder that it’s super important to communicate and talk to your partner and tell them what you want and why and how things feel and all the things.

Yes, yeah, validating that, like, this is a normal part of the female experience, and it’s so important to communicate this with our partners.

One of my best takeaways from cycle tracking was actually learning that two days before my bleed, I get super ticklish. And so this was, like, um, So frustrating, and I’ve had those similar experiences, but then when we get closer to the two days, it’s like, touch me anywhere, like, it can’t be soft, I need firm touches, and that will turn me on, but anywhere, it’s like, ugh, and not only frustrating for me, I’m like, can’t you just do what I want, like, this is what I want, and he’s like, what the hell’s going on, yesterday I touched you this way, and now you like, hate me for this, so learning that, was like, wow, now we have, we understand what’s going on.

So now when it comes up, it’s like, oh, I think my period’s coming up. Touch me like this. Okay, we’re good. We keep going through and get to have this good experience instead of having that friction right at the beginning. So that, that understanding being able to put language to these things from these conversations and then talking about it is so important.

Yeah, right? It’s like at some parts of the cycle we might enjoy a little smack on the ass, but then two weeks later we’re like Ow! That hurt! What are you doing? Yes. That’s so funny about the ticklish thing though. I, I will have to pay attention and

see if

mine

changes. Yes, I really like that you brought it up again, it’s validating like, oh you totally get this and it’ll be interesting for you to track now and see how it changes over your cycle.

And it’s so nice when you have a partner that I mean, most of our partners, they want us to be happy if they just knew how, if they just had the keys, if we knew what makes us feel good and we can tell them, most of them would love to do that.

Um, you know, and if they’re not, it’s not out of not caring. It’s just that they don’t really have all the information.

Absolutely. Like, most of them really want to be able to provide that pleasure. And for them, that’s a huge turn on. And so much of those challenges come from both sides, just not really having that understanding.

Like, how can we feel confident and know what to tell our partners how to satisfy us when we don’t even know for ourselves? So it’s learning that for ourselves and then being able to communicate it. We’re slowly putting all these tools on the tool belt so we can have these fantastic experiences together.

So good.

I really

thank you for inviting me to come back and have this conversation with you.

Yes, thank you. So fun. It’s, yeah, I knew I wanted to chat with you and I’m so glad I reached out and we made it work with such short notice. So before we bring things to a close, do you have any last messages or tips or anything like that for those listening in on this conversation?

Just if you’re single and you want a partner, You don’t have to settle. You don’t have to just go with the situation ship, the fuck buddy, like, it can be amazing. Believe in yourself. Believe in your worth. Believe that you can actually have a relationship that is fulfilling. Someone you want to introduce to your family and your friends and be with all the time.

So, you know, that where sexuality is your specialty, dating is my specialty. And I know that there’s probably women that are listening that are single and I would love to hear from you and, um, see how I can help you because you really can have an amazing partner that you’re connected with spiritually, physically, emotionally.

and mentally.

Yes, I’m brought to your tagline. I think it’s like, love or dating can be hard, but it’s worth it. And these relationships, they are out there. And I’m reminded from our conversation, that devotion to yourself, like knowing what you want and holding that line. And if you need help with it.

Whitney is an amazing support because that can be hard to kind of hold that line amongst this like craziness that is dating and the different apps and rejections and temptations and so having someone in your corner to help you through that to really be clear on what it is you want and to be able to create that for yourself is so powerful.

You get what you tolerate,

so

raise the bar. Absolutely, and I’ll just share for the more married side, for those that are in those relationships, and perhaps they’re tolerating those sexual experiences that don’t necessarily feel empowering and fulfilling, is you can choose something else, and it just starts by one feeling worthy of that.

Exploring your curiosity and taking those steps and in that marriage, like you and your partner want to see each other be happy and to succeed and have all of this pleasure, it just takes time communicating those things and building up those tools together and that expansive, orgasmic, connected pleasure is absolutely available to you.

Well, thank you again, and I’ll leave all the links in the show notes, but where can people find you if they’re wanting to connect? I’m the only Whitney

Coburn out there. K O B R I N. So, WhitneyCoburn. com or find me on social media.

Ah, I love that. And you have a great podcast too, that I was on not too long ago, that’s been coming out with some really great episodes and advice as well.

So we’ll make sure we link that too.

Yes, the

Love Coach in My Pocket podcast.

And I also have an app you can download in the app store, Love Coach in My Pocket, with lots of great courses and learnings.

That’s a great name. I love it. Well, thank you so much for being here and thank you for those that are listening and tuning in.

We will chat with you later. All right. Thank you.

Thank you for joining us inside the unapologetic with Janine McKinnon podcast. I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If you feel called, I would so appreciate it. If you left us a review to help us reach more women and couples so they can experience deeper connection and more expansive pleasure inside and outside the bedroom too, until next time, embrace your desire and experience your magic.