This week’s episode of Unapologetic Stories is a must-listen for single ladies and those supporting their single friends. Dating Expert & Love Coach Whitney Kobrin dives deep into modern dating, offering powerful insights on navigating its challenges, healing past traumas, and setting realistic, intentional goals for the relationship you want to create. With her wit and charm, Whitney leaves listeners feeling more empowered and confident in today’s dating landscape.

In This Episode

  • The modern dating landscape
  • Feminine and masculine energies
  • Challenges in modern dating
  • Facing your shadows and healing trauma
  • Being realistic about your potential partner
  • Being intentional about the relationship you want to create
  • Clear and confident communication

Listen to the Episode

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Show Notes

More About Whitney Kobrin

Whitney Kobrin is a Dating & Relationship Expert and Love Coach who has transformed the love lives of hundreds of women. Whitney blends decades of experience overcoming her own dating and relationship challenges with professional training in Psychology, Life Coaching, and trauma therapy.

Whitney has been featured on Amazon TV, Roku, MSN.com, andmany other outlets spreading her empowering message that “Modern dating is frustrating, but LOVE is still worth it!”

Drawing on her past experience as a Matchmaker, Whitney equips women with practical dating skills for today’s complex world. Then, she also takes clients deeper into the inner work needed to love yourself, heal damaging patterns, and attract the high-caliber partner you truly deserve. Whitney’s unique approach compassionately addresses the whole self: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. We are so excited to welcome Whitney Kobrin!

Transcript

Hello and welcome back to another Unapologetic Stories episode. Today’s episode is for the single mamas. Today I have Whitney Cobran joining me. Welcome Whitney. Hi Janine. Hi. So Whitney is a dating relationship expert and love coach. And I really love her tagline. And it is that modern dating is frustrating, but love is still worth it.

Love that. What an empowering message, Whitney. Yes. Thank you. So true today too. Absolutely. Like I am so thankful that I met my husband 10 years ago when dating apps were just kind of starting and I dabbled a tiny bit. I was like, This is weird. I don’t want to do this. And thankfully I met my husband organically at the gym.

Uh, what do you see is kind of the state of dating right now?

You know, one of the analogies that I like is Back in the seventies and eighties, if you went to buy a car, you just went to the lot and said, what do you have? And you test drove cars and you decided which one you wanted and you took it home.

Imagine how much has changed over the years. Now, if you’re going to buy a car before you ever step on a lot, you know, what make what model, what options, what colors, what costs, what you’re willing to pay. We do our research online. We know everything.

And now that online dating has been around for about 25 years, it’s become the standard. People used to meet through school, work, being set up by friends. And those numbers have plummeted. They’re so far down. And the way people meet now is through online dating or through some online interaction, and that could seem like a good thing at first. To some, but it’s really changed the whole mentality of dating.

And so we have certain problems that have come up. One is the dating pool is so full of people that are kind of undateable or not ready to date or unhealed. And so when we go into this dating pool, there’s a lot of people that could hurt us. There’s also a lot of, um, There’s just a lot of judgment, and it’s this swipe culture where we just look at a picture and say, no way.

Yes, no, yes, no. And we’re just nurturing this really judgmental, superficial way of judging people and dating. It’s also created a mindset, especially with the younger people, that

There’s so much available and there’s so much quantity that people become sort of disposable and they’re not taking the time, energy and effort to really build those deeper connections because why bother if I go deeper, if I have to face myself, if I have to change something, if I have to have an uncomfortable conversation, we just get rid of the person and go and date again.

And it’s, it’s just, It’s really gotten quite challenging and difficult out there now. And I don’t want to be all doom and gloom. There’s definitely a way to date in this modern world that works. And obviously, I’m a testament to that. Um, I have an amazing partner that I met after Losing my husband who passed away seven years ago, and I teach women how to date in a way that actually is fun and enjoyable and brings them the right kind of matches the right kind of people to have a long term relationship or whatever it is that they want.

Wow. It’s so beautiful hearing your story and how you’re able to overcome so many of those challenges and to overcome the challenge of losing your husband as well. And then to be able to go on to find this amazing partner who you have now and the sense I’m getting as you’re talking about the state of dating right now is it almost sounds dangerous to me in a way in that The disposableness of it all, um, how surface level it is, how there’s that bigger pool.

So it’s very vulnerable, really putting yourself out there amidst all of this constant changing surface level, swiping move on to the next person to avoid those conversations. Um, how, how do you go deeper? Like you were able to find your partner.

And I think for the single moms who listen to this podcast, they are looking for something deeper.

They want that deep connection, that conscious relationship. They want to be able to, to exhale, to feel supported and to be able to flip from that masculine energy of doing it all as a single mom, to actually be able to be in their feminine and feel taken care of.

Yeah, there’s so many layers and levels to it.

Um, but you brought up the masculine and feminine thing. And this is something that used to be very understood many years ago, so much that it really defined us and confined us into these boxes. And so thank goodness that we’ve had the feminist revolution and women are getting equal rights. And I think we still have a ways to go.

But One thing that I’ve learned throughout my journey is that

there’s no perfect solution. There’s really no solution. There’s only trade offs. And so whatever we make progress in, there’s always going to be some trade off on the other end.

And it doesn’t mean that it’s not the right path, but as an example, as we’ve become more empowered as women, so many positive things have come out of that.

But there’s also a little bit of this sort of shadow where women are forced into this masculine role a lot. We don’t really have the option now to. Have single income households, even when people are together, let alone when we’re divorced or a single mom. And it’s like we burn the candle at both ends.

We’re doing the emotional work, the nurturing work, the household work, and the work work. And all of the finances and house repairs and where’s my next whatever coming from? So there’s just so much on us that has us stressed. And stress is very linked with fear and fear is the opposite of love. So when we’re stressed and when we’re in fear and worry and anxiety and ruminating in the past, worrying about our future, it’s really hard to make room for love for ourselves or for a partner in our life.

Absolutely, like there is so much going on in our modern world and especially as a single mom you’re taking on even more and have even more responsibility and we’re just pulled in so many different directions like we need to keep the wheels turning for the household and take care of the kids and self care is important and friendships and all of these different things and it’s, yeah, we’re just spread so thin it’s really hard to be able to Be soft to be in flow to call it in love because we have our guard up needing to make sure everything is okay all of the time.

Yeah, there’s a really good book that I recommend that I’ve really enjoyed called deeper dating. And the subtitle is how to drop the games of seduction and discover the power of intimacy. Why you don’t have to What is it? I’m doing this off memory. Look perfect. Something like that to find real love. And it’s written by a gay man who is a psychologist.

So when you think about the dating scene among gay men, it’s like all the worst parts of our heterosexual thing, um, situation. But Amplified, you know, the superficiality, the hookup culture, and he was really frustrated by that. And he wanted to find a partner and he wanted to find love. And as a therapist, he saw that this was not only his challenge, but so many other people’s challenge.

And he realized that because the dating pool is scary and because we’ve all been hurt before, we’re just super guarded. And when we’re guarded, it’s like, We’re not authentic and we’re not our real true self and we can’t really be seen and known by another person on the level that’s required to be in love.

And so we need to first get comfortable with ourselves and drop those guard, drop the guard, drop the walls still have boundaries, which maybe we could talk about later. But the walls keep everybody out. And in this book, Deeper Dating, the author describes how we all have this soft, tender part to ourself.

And we can explore it by thinking about our childhood memories that bring joy to us. Maybe a pet, something that could almost bring you to tears or bring goosebumps, you know, that childhood memory at Christmas of getting what you want, like, or the grandparent that you were so close with that passed away that you miss.

And it’s in these emotional stories that we have this tenderness in our heart where we actually can connect with people on a way to find love. And I think that’s one of the biggest challenges today is how do I go from being in pain, being hurt, coming out of what I thought was going to be my forever relationship and it fell apart, who’s to say that all the future relationships won’t also fall apart, who’s to say I’m ever going to meet someone.

And so there’s this sort of gap in between what we’re leaving behind and where we. Want to go.

Absolutely. And I think that tenderness. And that like deeply rooted love and being loved and cared for that’s within all of us and I see it time and time again with my clients in different ways that we have this childhood wounding and so those walls go up.

And that’s how we can often fall into that, like, hyper independent boss babe, I’m doing it all myself, I don’t need your help, I’ve got this. And so yes, we’re able to function quite well generally and get all of the things done and protect ourselves. And that’s where kind of that surface level comes up because we have our guards up and it’s really hard to be able to access that love and that tenderness when we are.

Protecting ourselves and often those woundings come from different times that we were rejected or not taken care of. And so we had to put those walls up to protect herself at that time. And I can imagine and navigating the dating world. And I have seen it with a single mom client of mine that she that it can be easier to let those guards down when it comes to friend.

Relationships and family relationships, like, so that’s a really great place to play with that vulnerability and showing up authentically and being okay to be seen as what we may internally think of as weak. And that’s why we held it back for so long, but to begin to let those parts show, and then when it comes to a potential partner, like, That’s a whole other ballgame and is even more vulnerable because those different rejection wounds can really pop back up where we feel a little bit more safe with our long term friends.

Would you like to chat a little bit more about that?

Yeah, I think that’s a great example that Making friends, being with your friends, sometimes family, right? Family is a tricky relationship because yeah, it can be tricky for some people. Some people’s families are excellent and supportive and a great sounding board, a great practice round.

But of course, if your family members are toxic, then it might not be the safest. And we’re living in this epidemic of loneliness too. So a lot of people don’t have a lot of friends. A lot of people have friends that live in other states or friends they just don’t see very much, especially if you’re busy with kids and your life and work and managing all those things we talked about earlier.

Um, it can be hard, but it’s important. And I know from my experience, after my husband passed away, I moved states and I decided I’m going to create the life that I want. And part of that was to have friends and to build a circle of women around me. And I spent five, six years running a meetup group. Going on Bumble BFF, which if people don’t know Bumble, the dating app has three different features.

You can look for guys to date. You can look for girlfriends for platonic friendships, and you can also look for business connections. So just,

I had no idea.

Yeah. A lot of people don’t know about Bumble BFF. And I met My best friend threw Bumble BFF five, six years ago. So the process of making new friends is very similar to the process of dating.

And yet there’s lower stakes. You’re not just trying to find your one and only, so you could actually accumulate friends and they could meet each other, which would obviously be awkward and dating. Yeah, but it is a good practice round. If you’re like, if you’re scared of dating, you could start with just, I’m going to make a few new friends.

And then with those friends, you may have people to go out with and meet people. Um, people do still meet in person. It’s not impossible, but it has gotten a little bit harder. And for all the women listening, it’s important to understand that men have gotten scared to approach us. Even like the strongest, best.

I mean, a guy with really great character Doesn’t want to approach a random woman these days because he’s afraid of seeming like a creep. So if you don’t want to go online dating, which is not necessary, it helps. And there’s a way to do it that works.

But if you want to meet people in person, women have to make the first half move.

Is the way I look at it. So yes, women are empowered today and women can always make the first move, but what I’ve discovered really works well is instead of just going all the way and saying, oh, hey, nice to meet you, we should go out sometime, which is how guys used to do that. For women it’s more like you just need to give him a green light so that he’s not thinking that you’re gonna reject him and I mean, it’s gone, gotten to a point where it’s not only that women will reject a guy, they’re not like, oh, no, thanks.

They’re like, how could you assume that like they’re yelling at him? They’re getting upset, they’re getting triggered. Um, so it’s really important that if you want to meet guys in person, that you give them green lights. That could be just looking at him, making eye contact and smiling. It could be waving at him.

It could be just saying hello. It could be giving him some sort of compliment like, wow, I really like your shoes. Like, it doesn’t matter that much how we break the ice. What’s important is just that we’re Once it’s broken, it’s broken.

Oh, I’m so glad you brought that up because I do think it’s really important to acknowledge not only how hard it, challenging it can be for women, but the other side of that too, like it’s a whole other world for them.

There can be a lot more on the stake and I hear it in some of the different podcasts my husband listens to is they, there’s a lot more apprehension for men. Because there is quite a bit of risk. It’s a different level. Like you said, rather than the like, Oh no, thank you. There are different levels that they can be met with.

And so is it worth it to put themselves out there in that way? And I really like your take on that. It seems like it really blends into that feminine masculine polarity rather than doing it traditionally the man’s way. And like, hi, would you like to go out with me? It’s that like, Huh. Putting yourself out there, giving them the green light, making that eye contact, bringing that flirtatious playfulness into things.

Yes.

And that’s one thing that I love about what you do. You know, this whole unapologetic way of being where if I want to flirt, I’m going to flirt. If I’m attracted to someone, I’m going to let them know, like we need to stop living behind that fear. Um, And, uh, yeah,

absolutely. Like it’s where we’re able to really tap into.

I think our femininity and a part of that sexual life force energy includes that playfulness and being able to tap into pleasure and Part of that is that flirtatiousness and Mama Gina, we’ll talk about quite a bit. She has her book, Pussy Reclamation. I have it behind me. I always recommend it to everyone.

Such a good book. And she will talk about just flirting with life and having fun. fun and just being in pleasure from that playful state. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be to get something out of it, but being able to bring that side of you out. And that’s a part of letting down those walls and that protector and those hard edges.

To be able to soften, and that’s just one way we can really tap into that. And it tends to become that landslide. Once you’re able to open up in those safer ways, it becomes easier to do it as things get more and more vulnerable.

Yes, so true. And I think a lot of people, we. You, I’m sure you know this that we have explicit memory, which is what we can verbally recall and say, Oh, I remember when I was four years old, my dad did this and we went to a parade.

And then we have implicit memory which we can’t recall, we may not even remember. But our body remembers it, and it’s how we get programmed. And so many of us, when we think about dating and we’re scared, when we think about approaching someone and we’re scared, when we just feel uneasy and not at ease, it’s often this implicit memory in our body that Needs to be healed needs to be worked out needs to be shifted from the memory of I’m not safe.

I have to guard. I have to protect shifting it into that space because I find that I know I’ve been in the place before where if you would have told me, Oh, you just have to be really easygoing and you just have to be light hearted and playful and But like, I was so stressed at that time. Like I was grinding my teeth all the time.

I was tense. It was in my body. And if you would have asked me, I wouldn’t have been able to put it into words. I wasn’t really conscious of it. I thought I was ready, but after doing the work that I’ve done with embodiment and just releasing trauma, it actually just comes so much more naturally and Not like I have to force myself to be playful and lighthearted, but that it’s actually just easier because I’ve lightened my load.

Yes. Thank you for that. Because it can like, on the surface sounds simple, just like be playful, flirt with life. But if you’re carrying a bunch of trauma, like it’s not going to be easy to tap into that. And that is understandable and okay. And yeah. It’s a sign that there’s different areas we can look at and work through before finding that man, finding that partner.

It’s really building that foundation within ourselves. And I think that’s why a part of my work and really tapping into our inner power is creating that foundation of love, safety, and belonging. Within ourselves so that we do feel safe. We don’t have to put our guard up so much because we also know that we have discernment, we can communicate boundaries.

It doesn’t mean nothing is ever going to harm us. It means that we know we have the power to deal with whatever does come up. And same with that sense of belonging to really feel like we belong ourselves.

You touched on maybe starting with gathering that group of some friends, creating that belonging for yourself.

So you’re not so dependent on finding the man. And so there’s not so much on the line when it comes to finding that relationship, you have a bit of comfort and safety within your community and the group you’re cultivating for yourself. And then. Naturally, as you do this, naturally, as you release some of those nervous system blocks that can come up, especially for those that had a tumultuous relationship where it did not work out the way they thought it would, or for those who stayed in their relationship for 10, 20 years, trying to make it work, and then constantly, uh, Adding on these neural pathways of unsafety of needing to have your guard up for so long.

It’s going to take time to work through that. And so it’s okay if it doesn’t come natural, it’s just showing you opportunities to focus on before that kind of end goal.

Man, I wish I would have met. Yeah, I wish I would have met you when I was like 22. Yeah, me too. I mean, I don’t really regret anything.

It’s brought me to where I am now, but I was so clueless.

Yeah, me too.

And I became a mom at 24. And I remember thinking it was unplanned. I didn’t know his father very well. And I remember thinking, I’m 24. I have a college degree. I’m not 16. Even though I feel like it, I’ll figure it out. I’ll handle it. But it was hard.

And that relationship didn’t work out. It was quite toxic. And then I was dating and I just, I was so clueless, just going on dates and getting rejected left and right. And of course, the people that I liked didn’t like me and the people that liked me, I didn’t like. And I hear that all the time from women all the time of any age that there’s just this, like, this mismatch.

of what we’re looking for versus what who’s looking for us.

And what do you think is kind of coming from that mismatch that is so common?

Um, one is, is like you said, finding that love safety and belonging within yourself, because there’s often this feeling like you have something to prove. And so you want to be with someone that will prove that.

So that could be. Like I want someone that’s really attractive because I’ve never felt attractive and now I do and I want to prove that I’m attractive enough to get this attractive partner, or it could be a money thing where they really want someone that has money and they need to prove to the world that they can have that or prove to themselves.

And when we’re. I mean, that’s just not the basis of love. And so when we’re already leading with the wrong intention, it just doesn’t work out. And I think a lot of us also need to unpack our own stuff. Like, I didn’t realize, I look back, I remember one date specifically, this was a guy that seemed like He had some class.

He had, you know, he had a lot going for him. He was attractive and tall and, and I was like, so done with what I had put up with in the past that I was like, And what I had put up with in the past was I usually let guys choose me and I would just sort of fall into these relationships without any intention.

And so I went from one extreme to the other and said, I’m going to choose who I’m with next. And. You know, when I was telling him about myself and oh, you like I’m a nun, I became an unwed mom and I have a son, this and that. Like, I didn’t realize how that was coming across the way that I was saying it and that someone like that with so many options who’s young in his 20s, like he’s probably not going to be signing up for that.

And. If I would have just known that it wouldn’t have hurt or bothered me, but not knowing that it, it really did. And there are people, you know, not to say that because I was a mom or because I have a past that I would never find someone good. That’s totally not what I’m saying, because obviously I have.

And, um, but we just need to be realistic about Who we are and what we bring to the table and what we need and this also relates to the masculine feminine polarity because you might be an excellent person and successful and a great mother to your kids and accomplished and still a guy that you like isn’t.

Attracted or isn’t being pulled towards you because you just haven’t flipped that switch of that feminine side that is what really seals the deal. Like there’s so many factors of compatibility that we could talk about if you want, but we need that spark, that energetic pull that is created polarity as well.

So I’m kind of rambling, but hopefully I’m making sense.

Absolutely. That makes sense for that mismatch. And it sounds like that can really come when we are having. Kind of our ego is coming up and those wounds are coming up and we’re looking for that external validation without having that foundation of that love, safety and belonging.

And it sounds like when we’re able to both cultivate that foundation, which from that we’re able to tap into that femininity a little bit more, which is what can kind of seal the deal among a lot of different compatibility factors. And also. Being realistic about what we bring to the table, what we’re looking for, what our potential partners are looking for in that kind of life that we can build.

Because I see in a lot of different conversations, which to me, um, I, I can’t quite think of the right word, but it’s like that fairytale love. And I will say like, I do believe in happily ever after knowing that there’s going to be a hell of a lot of ups and downs along that way. But like, I love my husband.

I love our life. That is fully possible. And we birth, both were not perfect going into things. We both had our shit and we have had to choose to work on that. Yeah. over and over and over again. And we have had some not great fights or situations or different things that come up. And those are times where a lot of people can choose, okay, I don’t want to do this.

I’m going to do something else. But we chose to support each other to look at ourselves to do the work required and through that have been able to uplift each other and to be able to co create that happily ever after in a way. So I think when you’re at the beginning stages, uh, to me, and it sounds like being able to let go of that idea of perfection and understand like you have your shit as well.

Um, What do I bring to the table? Okay. I want this kind of life. I want this kind of person also realizing they’re going to have some of their shit too. They’re not going to be perfect. What are you okay with living? What are you okay with working on together? And what is also coming up for me is Also knowing they’re not a project that you’re not going to fix all of these different things.

It’s actually, what are you willing to live with and accept in this other person? Because they have that on the flip side as well.

I love that. Yeah. We really do have to realize that who you meet on a first date. Is not the person. It’s not the whole person. Yeah, like they’re gonna put on a front and so are you and seem so great or or not, you know, it, it works both ways where sometimes you could be really into someone and then it fades.

Or you might think someone’s really boring and average and, and all of a sudden you’ve gone on a few dates and you realize, wow, he’s a really great guy. He has character. He has loyalty. He’s a good father. Maybe like you realize what’s really important. And I am not a proponent of settling because if you settle and you’re not happy enough to begin with, it’s only going to get worse.

And you’re going to have resentment towards Yourself as well as the partner and other people. But that resentment towards yourself can really tear apart our own being and our own will. So I’m not a fan of settling, but, but nobody’s going to be perfect. So we need to figure out what are we willing to compromise on?

And what’s funny is what most people do just unconsciously is they’ll compromise on the really important things like character, if he’s fun and good looking or has money or, you know, those other things when in actuality, you know, like height is one of those things. And I get that a lot of women don’t feel great with someone that’s shorter than them.

But I find it really annoying when girls need someone that’s like, Five, six inches taller than them at the minimum. It’s like, how important is that going to be 15 years into your marriage? When you’re just mad that they’re leaving their socks on the floor. And like

Totally.

So we have to think about not only what we want in a partner, but what do we want in a relationship?

Like, I always have my clients start with their love intention. Like, what do you want this relationship to be? Are you looking for marriage? Are you looking to live together? Are you looking to just have a companion? What are you looking for? Get clear on that. How do you want to feel in that relationship?

What communication style do you want to have with your partner? Do you talk about everything? Do you brush things under the rug? Do you yell and scream or talk calmly? And when we get a really clear picture of the relationship we want, it’s almost like creating a job description. And then we can sort of interview people and get to know people to see if they could fit into that ideal relationship we have, and that works so much better than just trying to find the perfect person.

Cause that can backfire in so many ways. Like you could find the guy this happened to me. I found the guy that was everything on my list, you know, good looking and tall and kind, and we had a lot in common, we had both studied abroad in Spain at the same time and, and we didn’t know each other back then before then, but we just had a lot in common.

And I really, really, really liked him and he just never really gave me what I need, though. The relationship was not great. He would give me like one day a week and that was all we would see each other. And he was always kind of guarded and pulling back. And I learned a lot through that because it wasn’t about.

Finding the perfect person and having all that chemistry, you know, people have these beliefs like it’s meant to be and yeah, and they’ll just say whatever they say about him and about the relationship and then they say, but I love him and it’s like, no, that’s, that’s not it. Not enough. We need to focus on what’s going to be the right relationship for us and kind of work backwards from there.

And a lot of people will not really give it a full try. Like you mentioned something earlier about when we were talking about the mismatch. And finding somebody that is also looking for you. Well, one of the problems there is that most people don’t even go out and meet 20 people they could date. They only meet one that’s married, that lives near them, that’s hitting on them, that they’re like, Ooh, should I, shouldn’t I, or, or they only meet the coworker or they only meet the people that are right there around them.

And don’t realize that that’s limited. That’s scarcity. Like it’s unlikely that you’re going to meet the right person for you if you don’t go out and actually meet 10, 20 people and then compare and get to know them and make those decisions.

Absolutely. Bringing that intention. Into creating that right relationship and finding the person that fits that.

And I really like that. You mentioned like that scarcity, you’re very limiting to yourself. And when we flip into that abundance mindset, so many of us will think about. Finances and money, but that abundance mindset really encompasses a lot of things. And in this realm, it is really understanding that there are many different men out there.

And just because we haven’t necessarily seen or met them yet, that’s the key is that yet, it doesn’t mean they’re not out there because just as there are many women looking to find those conscious, deep relationships. There are many men also out there looking for it and they are just as you touched on like nervous and guarded because of these different things too.

And so it just takes bringing in that intention and putting yourself out there, meeting that pool of however many men and then Really, I love how you touched on that kind of that job description. And what do you want your relationship to look like? I think that’s very like long term end goal orientated rather than that more like surface level ticking the boxes of that person.

Because you’re really not looking Looking for that person. You’re looking for that relationship. You’re looking for building that life together. And that is that end goal. That’s what truly matters. And someone will naturally come into that where, as you said, someone can tick all the boxes, but they’re not going to match that relationship necessarily.

So I like how you mentioned that. Uh, I love any other more practical advice that you touched on the boundaries. At the beginning that came up a little bit and that like love, safety and belonging. I touched on to having that discernment, having that boundaries. What would you like to share within that realm of getting onto the dating scene?

Yes. So a very simple communication tool that I use and I teach and it’s, it’s out there. It’s commonly known. So you might know of this as well, but it’s just to simply communicate it. Difficult things by saying how you feel and what you need. And so many of us, we don’t focus on what we want or what we need.

We focus on what they’re doing wrong and, or we don’t say anything at all, which is, which is really bad. And usually we go through stages where if somebody starts out. Not being able to speak up for themselves and not being able to set any boundary or say what they want or what they need. Then they get to a point where they’re like, no, I am going to speak up for myself and I am, but they don’t know how to do it.

And so when they do it, they’re focusing on what’s wrong. They’re focusing on how hurt they are. They’re focusing on, you know, telling the person, well, you did this to me because you’re this way. And because you had that, and they’re telling people. What to do, which it just doesn’t really work in relationships.

You can’t tell other people what to do. They have free will, they’re going to do what they want anyway. So what works best is to tell them something like, like, I’ll give you a silly example. Let’s say you’re walking into a restaurant on a date and you want him to open the door for you and he doesn’t. So you have a choice.

Either you can just open it yourself. Or you could look at him and be like, well, I’m not, I guess, uh, and mentally think, I guess this isn’t the guy for me. Cause he’s not chivalrous and I need someone chivalrous and you’ve just already boxed him out because of an assumption that, you know, his whole character, because of this one behavior, which may or may not be true.

We just don’t know yet. Um, but what I would recommend if you’re walking into the restaurant and he doesn’t open the door for you, you stand there and you don’t open it yourself. You communicate with him. You say, I feel silly standing here waiting for the door to be open for me. And when you can do that, again, it’s playful, it’s lighthearted, but you are setting a boundary, actually.

You’re letting that person know how you want to be treated. Because the reality is, if that’s what you want, then you want to tell your date. You could, you know, I’ve, I’ve met women that say the date was great. It was wonderful. But then at the end of the night, he didn’t walk me to my car and I didn’t feel safe.

So I can’t be with that guy. I’m like, well, did you ask him to walk you to your car? Like, no, he should just know, right. Doesn’t that come up all the time that women are like, well, he should just know. And it’s like, no, they don’t, they can’t be mind readers. And maybe his, Last girlfriend felt the opposite and she taught him how she wanted to be treated.

And now you have to like re teach him how you specifically want to be treated. So I think it’s really important for us to know how to communicate. And that’s one thing that really works and is so simple is to just say, I feel sad when you talk to me that way. I really need you to talk to me in a calm voice.

Right. Instead of like, don’t yell at me. And then you’re yelling at each other. And it’s like, um, but it works also like even in the early stages of online dating, if somebody texts you and they say something kind of inappropriate, like, Hey, I’m free after 10 PM. If you want to come over tonight, a lot of women would ream him out and.

You know, put him in his place, but that’s a waste of your energy because it’s not your job to fix this person. It’s only your job to determine if you want to proceed with this person or not. So in that case, I would recommend that you say something like, Oh, you must be confusing the current me with the me from six months from now that really knows you and is comfortable doing that.

For now, I’d just rather start with a date. So you’re letting him know, I feel uncomfortable with you saying that. And here’s what I need. What I need is to be asked out on a date. And if he can do that, great. And if he can’t, great. You’ve gotten information, and you know, and you let it go.

You’ve got so many great playful examples.

I love them. And given this

stuff a lot of thought over the years, I mean. I’ve worked with hundreds of people now in their love life, in their healing journey. And it’s interesting because I worked as a matchmaker before this, and that’s kind of how I got into coaching people in their love life. And there’s this whole logistical practical side of what I do.

Like what app should I use? How do I do my profile? What pictures should I choose? How do I talk to someone? Um, how many dates before I do such and such? Like there’s this practical side, but what I have found is what’s so much more important is the inner work, the energetic work, the some people, I think we all have trauma to varying degrees, some big, some little, some partially healed, some not even.

In our conscious awareness. Um, but I, I am actually starting soon. I trauma therapy certification program because I’ve already been working with people a little bit in that, um, Based on the training I’ve already had, but this is going to take it a lot further and deeper. And I love that stuff. I love working with people one on one.

I love if I tell you, you just need to go out and date and meet 10 people. And that scares the heck out of you. Or you’re like, yeah, I’ll do it. But then you don’t, there’s a block and that’s. Where a coach like you or me come in to really help you hand hold and get through that because if it seems really hard or scary, there’s a reason there’s something in you that’s resisting that.

And if we just force it, it’s like if you force. break.

Mm hmm. Yes, it’s, I’m just picturing my kid like trying to force something right now that should not be forced and it’s like, no, no, no, don’t force it, take a look at it. Why is this not working? Figure it out and That carries forward to so many different things.

And it’s interesting. We know that with kids, with the things that they do, and yet we can kind of have this gap and how that really does transfer to all different things. And so if we’re having that block, if we’re trying to force ourselves to do something, but we might not even necessarily be aware of what resistance there is, but we know we’re not.

Joining the meetup, we’re not doing whatever it might be. There’s something there. And when we try and force it, what we could really be doing is taking a look at things and whether or not we can do that ourselves with our own reflection. With friends or really noticing, okay, there’s something bigger going on here.

I need someone who has trauma training who can really help me move through this. And again, like cultivating that safety and love and belonging within. So it’s okay. I can put myself out there. Okay. When they don’t open the door for me or they send what I perceive is this rude text message rather going in.

Rather than going into that thought spiral of what this means to us, it’s really, okay, how can I hold myself in this situation, perhaps bringing in some of those playful examples and giving them a chance to rise up to how we hold ourselves. And what really came to mind as you were talking is the book, The Queen’s Code by Alison Armstrong.

Yes. Yes. Love that book and she is very much about that communication, which is so important in dating and within relationships and stating how you feel and what you need and allowing them the opportunity to rise up for that. And when we have the lens, what really stood out in that book for me is always assuming men that they.

Always have a good reason for what they do. And so say they’re not opening the door when you expect that. Perhaps the good reason is, as you touched on, is someone that they previously dated, maybe they reamed them out for that because they don’t want that to be done. So that’s their good reason. So just always giving them The benefit of the doubt, understanding that they’ve lived their life.

They have their experiences and reason for doing things and giving each other an opportunity to just rise up to this new standard, to what this relationship is. You can see that they’re not going to say that, but it could be, and they will either rise up to that. You can continue to explore and to date and see where things go, or they’ll show you that they’re not going to.

And that’s where that discernment and those boundaries come in. And okay, this isn’t going to work and I know there’s lots of great men out there. So let’s continue our search to see who we can find. just because this doesn’t work doesn’t mean all men are this way. It’s just okay, this one didn’t work, let’s find the right person.

Yes.

Yes.

And the more we prepare ourselves through our own healing and, um, intention, the, the easier the process can be, right? Because I’m thinking now about being a single mom and being busy and not having time to meet a million people and date so much. And it’s like, when we get really intentional, we, we choose very intentionally how we spend our time and who we spend our time with.

And going back to how you started. Modern dating is complicated, but real love, having that partner, that support, that person that really can see you and be there for you is. It’s definitely worth it.

Absolutely. And when we can be met with that love and support and co create that relationship and this new way of family life, like that’s that blossoming, that’s that light at the end of the tunnel and it is available.

It is possible. It just, it does. Take some work to get there and putting out that intention, dealing with your own shit, and keep trying, keep putting yourself out there, and once you think you found the person, you also got to keep working on things together too, and so much is possible through that, so much beauty, so much joy, and just really thriving together, it is out there.

Yeah. As we bring things to a close, I feel like I could just go on and on and on. And then I looked at the clock. Do you have any last words of wisdom or advice for those on their journey of wanting that deep authentic relationship to be able to be seen as they truly are and to be supported in that?

Yes. Thanks. Thanks. It’s hard to give one size fits all advice because people are coming from opposite ends of the spectrum and often need to be brought in the middle. So people might get opposite advice, but universally starting with self love. Having love for yourself, having compassion for yourself, understanding that you are where you are because of so many reasons, and some of them are out of your control, and we can’t feel bad about that.

But you know, we want to be unapologetically ourselves. And fully own and love ourselves. And that’s the most important thing when looking for love is that you start from a place of, I am full of love, overflowing with love. I have so much love for myself and to give. And that is such a more powerful place to start than help.

I need love. And we often, this is like subconscious. We don’t actually say it, but people feel it. So that’s where, you know, we really have to start with loving, accepting ourselves.

Yeah, it really does start with us and that’s how we can find that person that really has that match rather than, Oh, I need that external validation.

This is what I need. That mismatch that we touched on when you’re able to heal yourself, be able to fill yourself up with so much love, have that state of overflow. That’s the kind of match you’re going to be able to attract. And that’s what really builds the life you want rather than, Oh, I need love.

Come save me and help me. No, let’s both just feel so much love for ourselves and together and move through and build something together.

Yep. Easier said than done. Totally.

Yeah. And that’s what we’re here for. Yes.

And if. Anybody is curious about what I do or wants to talk to me, I offer a free consultation on my website, which is whitneycobran.

com. And I would be more than happy to speak with you one on one. And hear you out of what’s going on in your life and what the best advice and strategy for you would be to get to where you want to get.

Uh, that’s so helpful to just be able to have that conversation in an accessible way and figure out what those next steps are depending on where you’re at and dealing with your shit and figuring things out.

Yes. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for being here today, for sharing your message and supporting all the single moms out there. Thank

you. My pleasure. I love what you’re doing and you’re awesome, Janine.

Oh, thank you.

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