This episode dives headfirst into the taboo while Gaia Morrissette, BDSM Expert, High Priestess, and Pro Dominatrix, and I chat about the incredible intersection of BDSM in healing trauma, reclaiming authentic pleasure, challenging societal stigmas and misconceptions about kink, and so much more.

By redefining vulnerability as a strength, we show you how mutual respect, consent, and clear communication create empowering and intimate relationships and experiences. During this conversation you’ll be lead through practical steps to begin your exploration, from connecting with supportive communities to leveraging resources. Ultimately, you’re invited to break free from shame, embrace your desires, and unapologetically claim your sexual identity, creating a deeper sense of self and more fulfilling connections.

In This Episode

  • Unpacking the Stigma: Understanding Shame and Pleasure
  • The Therapeutic Potential of BDSM in Trauma Healing
  • Breaking Down the Myths: BDSM Beyond Whips and Chains
  • The Power of Vulnerability and Consent in Intimate Relationships
  • Baby Steps to Exploration: Resources and Local Events
  • Communication as the Cornerstone of Kinky and Healthy Sex
  • Living Authentically: Claiming Your Sexual Identity Without Delay

Listen to The Episode

Learn More About Gaia

Holistic Sexual Wellness Specialist, Gaia Morrissette believes the keys to a happy, healthy, wealthy, magical and EPIC orgasmic life is ; Sexual Wellness, Embracing the human experience and releasing fear, shame , guilt and self-loathing. Gaia supports people living with pleasure through Holistic Sexual Wellness, Trauma Recovery. She is also a BDSM Wellness expert, High Priestess and Pro-Dominatrix.

For over 20 years she has been a renowned international speaker, trainer, facilitator, podcaster and coach who makes the world a happier, safer and sexier place for us all. Gaia is the founder of SucculentLiving.com, empressgaia.com & Succulent living institute. Her education and training consist of, sexology, trauma recovery, life coaching, tantra training, BDSM,sex coaching, and lots of practice in the areas of play, healing, and exploring.

Non-Kink Website: https://www.succulentliving.com/ 

Kinky Website: https://www.empressgaia.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/gaia.morrissette

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/GaiaMorrissette

Show Notes

Transcript

Hello, and welcome back to another unapologetic stories episode today. I am very excited and interested to be speaking with a guy more set BDSM expert, high priestess pro dominatrix. Love all of that together.

Yes. So, welcome. I’m so, I’m very, very excited to be here. I’m, I’m always love having conversations on other people’s podcasts and, you know, getting together and talking about, you know, being unapologetic is how I live my life. So, when you reached out to me, I was like, oh, that’s a good fit. I look forward to having this conversation.

Absolutely. It sounds so aligned and I just love chatting with you beforehand as we got to know each other and I feel like I could ask so many different questions. So we can just kind of start out. I love this blend of BDSM and trauma recovery. It sounds so interesting, unlike anything else I’ve really heard about in the trauma recovery realm.

So I’d love it if you could just share a bit about that. How did you get into this line of work? I, I want to hear it all.

Okay. All right. So where do we start? Okay. So my background really is in helping people heal trauma, uh, trauma, sexual trauma, uh, being the main one from childhood. And I also have my own trauma that I’ve healed from.

So what started to happen for me, two, two different things. I, you know, I started my practice being a holistic sexual wellness specialist. I was like holding space and helping people heal. I was doing body work. I was doing all these, using all these tantra, all these different modalities. And I would, but then on the other side, you know, across from my treatment room, I had this dungeon.

And the dungeon was for my own personal sexual exploration. It was not for clients in any way whatsoever. And I had this one particular client who was really struggling with porn addiction, um, anxiety, and a bunch of relationship issues. And he had been seeing me, um, over in my treatment space for a couple years.

Um, We were making progress, but we were making progress very slowly. So he was like, one of the things he wanted to go explore in his sexuality was BDSM. And I was like, great! I said, go see a couple, you know, there’s different pro doms in Toronto. Go see a couple, you know, go pick one that feels right for you and go and explore and come back and we’ll process how that works out.

for you, and what we need to do, and how do we integrate that into your life. So he went off, he tried a couple different ProDominatrix, and he came back and he was like, that was horrible. That was, I didn’t feel safe, I didn’t get my needs met, there wasn’t good communication, and I was like, well that’s awful!

And he’s like, and I know you have a dungeon across the hall.

You’re right. I do have a dungeon for cross the hall. And he’s like, I was wondering if you would be willing to help me through this journey because I feel safe and I trust you. And I know, you know what you’re doing. And I, you teach it and you live it. And so, you know, so I really sat with that. Cause like I had a very strong, boundary for me about my own sexual sexuality and then supporting clients in awakening their sexuality and healing their trauma and all these things.

And those are like, those are like two separate worlds for me. So I really had to sit with like, like, as this in line with me, do I feel good about this? Um, you know, not just jump into it. Right. And I was just like, I really sat with it. I’ve probably sat with it for about a month. And then I was like, okay, you know what?

I’m willing to use the dungeon. If you do your homework, right, it’s like this sort of like the beginning of this blending of like How about we use the dungeon to help you with your healing? And that way I feel okay that we’re still doing some healing and I can bring into the dungeon And so that was kind of like my my gateway to where I am now.

We’ll talk about that later But anyway, so that was like the gateway space for me and what I saw happening, which was just It was phenomenal.

 

 

Within two sessions, he was doing his homework. He was dealing with his anxiety. He was no longer using porn in an unhealthy way. It was just like this night and day transformation that was happening.

And I was like, Hmm, I think there might be something this.

 

 

And so I then started to lean in deeper and started to utilize the programming that we are, as human beings, we already have, right? Reward and punishment is a deep seated programming of our, in this, you know, in our culture, is that we want to, we want approval, we want love.

We do good things, we get rewarded, we misbehave, we get punished. And so how can we utilize, so then I started to dive into how can I utilize that to support clients to help heal many things, not just trauma, but also areas of their life that isn’t serving them and what kind of, you know, behavioral modification do we want to do?

And it just started in that round. Now I’m going to pause to get questions.

Yeah. So interesting. I imagine at that time where he’s like, so I know you have a dungeon across the room. Would you be open to and you having that big, strong boundary between the two worlds? I’m curious what you went through in really deciding that like, yes, it’s in alignment for you.

You took a month to sit with it, which, really brought out to me. It’s interesting with our women and Lee cycle. That like, 28 ish days, it’s that month long cycle to really sit with it and all those different versions of ourselves and, okay, you know what? This does seem right. And then choosing to go into it, how did you work through that in a process that felt right for you?

Because I think that’s something many of us feel. This opportunity for something and we’re, we’re interested but also like worried. And so how can we do it in a way that feels right. Doesn’t feel too dangerous, too overwhelming. I’d love to just hear a bit more on that.

Okay. So first off is that, you know, I first, you know, because I tend to be a verbal processor.

So I have, I have my couple of, people that basically are really good at, they just hold space and then they let me share and talk. And as I talk, I give it like, Oh, then this comes out. Cause then I hear my thought process. And I’m like, okay, there’s a blockage or here’s a fear or whatever. And so as I was navigating that, I think, I think the biggest piece was, okay, how do I not be a sex worker?

I think that was my biggest fear, fear. Like if I really look at, you know, looking back on that. process. I would say the first part was like, how do I not be seen as a sex worker? How do I not become a sex worker? And funny enough is that the rest of the world already thought I was a sex worker doing the other work that I was already doing.

But from my perspective, I was like, nope, I am not a sex worker. That’s not what I do. And so that’s, That was a, I think, that was a huge part of that process was like, okay, what does that look like? What does that mean? Why am I so afraid of that? What does that mean for the people around me? Is it going to make other people uncomfortable?

So these were like the struggles that I was really like processing and figuring out. And, and, and again, like I said, I, I have a ton of tools at my disposal when I get. You know, when something comes up to the surface for me, I’m like, okay, I have a way to look at this. I need to rewire it, go to my subconscious.

Like I have all these wonderful tools that I use both in my own healing, but also with all my clients. So it was like, okay, the biggest, I think is for me, To figure out what is the thing that making me hesitant? Why am I hesitant of this? Why did I not just say yes and just lean into it and jump into it?

And so

 

 

because that wasn’t a hell yes for me at the moment, I knew that there was some stuff there that I needed to like work through figure out. Process so that when I did say yes, I stepped in from that place of empowerment. I stepped into that place of here. What my parameters are. Here’s my boundaries.

This is what feels good to me. This is how far I want to go. This is why I want to go there because I talked it all through and I figured it all out before I said yes.

 

 

And One of the things that often happens in doing that process is what I have, I often hold space, because I do a lot of training, so I hold space for people making transitions from like the more, or more traditional therapeutic approach to more of some of these radical therapeutic approaches that may have, you know, pleasure and orgasms and stuff.

So, um, it really, I think it was a real, that was for me, was the biggest process is like, well, how do I heal that? And what, and I think one of the biggest questions was, okay, So what if others see me as a sex worker? So fucking what? So what the reality is, is because I was doing sexual education and sexual awakening and sexual awareness and body work and tantra and all these other things, the rest of the world assumed I was having sex with all my clients and they already assumed I was a sex worker.

So I was like, almost like I got caught up to the rest of the world. And then I was like, ah, who cares? That’s not, That’s not what this is about. And even if it was what this is about, it’s still okay because I went into it from a place of empowerment. And the client who asked me to go into this came from such a place of respect and love and gentleness.

And there was no icky, there was no feeling of creepiness. There was none of predatory. It wasn’t like, Ooh, I’ve been dying to see you naked. Like it was, none of that was about, it was really about, I really want to experience this. I trust you. I feel safe with you. I know that you know what you’re doing.

Can you take my hand and take me on this journey the same way as you’ve taken my hand on all the other journeys we’ve been on? And so that, I think that was, I think if another client had approached me from a different perspective of like this excites me and I’ve been whacking off thinking about doing this with you, um, I I don’t think I would have, I don’t think I would have gone through all of the work to get to this place of here’s where I feel safe, here’s where I feel comfortable, this is what I’m willing to do and why I’m willing to do it.

Yeah, it really sounds how he approached you about it. It’s like, oh, What an honor, like you trust me so much and okay, how can we make this work because this does feel aligned even though there’s some resistance there and there’s so many parallels with those kind of taking a leap of faith in one way or another where we have these little nudges or opportunities and there is that fear.

That’s what that resistance is and you having all the tools you have, you’re able to uncover that, go through the layers, the subconscious, all of those different things. And I kind of laugh because as you mentioned the sex worker piece to it, I’ve had different podcast episodes where people might mention like, you know, You’re a sex worker in a way and be like, Oh, not like that.

I’m like, honestly, like, where’s the line? Like everyone’s going to have this different line of what that means to them. And it’s, yes, I am within that space talking about sexual illness, helping people in that area. So yeah, it was just kind of interesting. Cause I feel that a bit too, and overcoming that.

And now I’d love to kind of shift into. What you do within this realm and really tapping into the rewards and punishments. Because that’s something that I see with my clients is they have this thing of wanting to be rewarded and seen as the good girl in the right lane. And it’s like, okay, how do we overcome that and you actually take advantage of this thing that is so built into us to help dismantle that at the same time.

So tell me more.

Okay, well actually that’s a beautiful, that concept of like, okay, so the good girl, girl, the good girl, you know, epidemic, right? It’s the, it’s, it’s the piece where we don’t embrace who we are as this primal, wild sex goddess that we can be, um, because we don’t want to be seen as a bad girl and we need to be a good girl.

Yet. In the dungeon, we use, instead of trying to dismantle being the good girl, you get being told you’re a good girl when you do the slutty thing. Right? So, so, so for example in the dungeon, How I would take a client who’s struggling with this and be like, okay, so you know, we go through all of our, you know, hard limits where we want to explore, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And so we pick some activities that, you know, it’s going to be fun for both of us. And so we’ll just take, uh, for the purpose of our conversation, we’ll take some spanking and some bondage. Okay? So, while they’re getting tied and they’re, and, and surrendering to the fact that they’re desires, so the more they drop into, if the rope feels good and the sounds of pleasure, and they’re dropping into like this true sexuality and the desire that’s going on, they’re getting like pets.

And I’m whispering in their ear, I’m like, Oh, you’re such a good girl. girl. And they’re like, Oh, yes. More. Tell me more. How good girl I am. How much I want to please, right? There’s this pleasing thing, right? And, and that being a good girl is also being a sexual good girl and being sexual and sexually liberated and sexually free.

And so, you know, being able to ask for what you want. So, you know, often the good girl has a hard time admitting that they have these sexual desires. And so we’ll do a lot of work around, well, what do you want me to do to you right now? And they’re like, well, I can’t say. And I’m like, but, You know, good girls ask for what they want and they’ll be like, oh, that’s right.

I want to be a good girl. And so they’re already programmed to be want to be a good girl. They’re like, Ah, I really want you to spank me I’m like good girl and they’re like, ah, and then they get their spanking so there’s that like we utilize instead of Being in resistant to the thing we take what that is and we integrate it into How is that going to best?

serve you and heal you and get you the outcome that you’re desiring to have of how do you want to move in the world? How do you want to, you know, we do a lot of stuff, especially in particular with women. I do a lot of stuff about asking for what they want and being able to vocalize sound and being able to vocalize their desires and the more orgasms they have, the more they surrender, the less they are need to be in control.

They feel safe. safe. They don’t have to be a control freak in every aspect of their life. They can let go. Like, so there’s so many beautiful things that happen by already taking what we are wired to do and have it used, using it for the benefit of where we want them to go.

Yes,

yes,

yes.

Oh, I love it. And it’s amazing how powerful being able to, well, being in that pleasurable state and being able to use our voice and even making sounds and having that positively reinforced. What an amazing thing. impact that has, right? Oh, it’s, it’s,

it’s deep. It’s like, it’s on a cellular embodiment level that happens because you have all of these components at play.

Just like using orgasm as a reward and orgasm denial as a punishment to change behaviors, right? It’s like we can utilize the same thing. There’s so many different layers of the work in the dungeon and power dynamics in the dungeon that can be utilized from a therapeutic perspective as well as for just overall your sexual liberation and freedom.

Um, I mean, just Without even going into the depth of how much healing and which levels of healing go in. When somebody walks into the dungeon and has admitted to me What their deepest darkest desires are that in itself is profoundly healing without even doing anything about it Just being able to to admit, you know what?

I secretly want to wear women’s panties and I want to be flogged and I want to serve you, you know for to have a man come in and say these things or I secretly have been Fantasizing about sucking cock my whole life and and but I’m you know, I can’t tell anybody about this so Even just communicating and sharing with me their deepest darkest desires, that in itself is the first level of healing and real self love and self acceptance in the space of non judgmentalness.

It’s beautiful. Never mind all the layers of what we could be working on after that piece, but just that first stage in itself is deeply profound.

Absolutely. And just shows how important it is creating spaces like this for others and just being able to speak those deep, dark desires, those things that they’ve held onto for their whole lives, desiring to suck cock or whatever it might be.

And then saying that and being accepted and even celebrated in that, that lights that fire. And then it’s just this momentum goes and goes. And when you. Open up all of your pleasure centers. Like your body is fully online and open. Your nervous system is ready. And so being able to reinforce that and using your voice, speaking your desires, doing your homework, being a good girl, and then it’s just creating that safety within the body.

I can see why you’ve, I think you mentioned at the beginning and just two sessions. He was doing his homework that, I don’t know how long it took before when it wasn’t even happening. Oh, like two

years!

 

 

We were seeing each other for two years and every week I’d be like, did you do your homework? He’s like, well, kind of, blah blah blah, blah blah blah.

I’m like, well, the reason you’re still struggling with these things is because you haven’t done the work in the rewiring process, which is the homework in between sessions, right? Like, but then, he didn’t want to be punished, so he did his homework. Because if he did his homework, he got rewarded, and that reward was, for him, was being spanked, because he liked being spanked.

So, he got to be spanked as a reward for doing his homework. And if he didn’t do his homework, he got put in the corner, and he didn’t get any action. He didn’t get spanked, he didn’t do all the things, and that felt awful. He’s like, I want that option, I want the spanking. I’m coming over, I want the spanking, I’m gonna get good spanking.

I’m going to do my meditation, I’m going to do my reprogramming of my subconscious, I’m going to, you know, only watch five minutes of porn, specifically kind, the kind that Empress told me that was good for me to watch and do all the things because, you know why? Because I want my spanking.

📍 📍 📍 📍 And

that. That programming is so powerful, and if, and I just want, you know, if you’re listening to this, it’s like, ooh, this is, this sounds like way more fun than therapy.

Absolutely.

Which it is. However, it’s really important that you find the right, person to do this work. I have so many years of experience of understanding human sexuality and the brain and how it all works and how trauma and how trauma affects the brain and how it attracts the body that I can integrate all of those things.

But. If I didn’t know all of these nuances, I could do more damage than I could do good. And I just, I needed to, I need to talk, just talk a little piece about that because, just because somebody says that they can help you heal in the dungeon doesn’t mean that they are a good fit to help you heal in the dungeon.

You need to know that the person that is, Has you in the dungeon really has you that understands the brain, understands the power of all of the extras that are being influenced is not just your brain that’s being affected. It’s your biochemical response to the impact, to the pleasure, to the orgasms, to the audio sounds, to the visuals, to all of these factors that are at play.

That’s imprinting this new new reality for you. You need to know that the person who has you really has you and knows how to keep you safe in that space. So.

Absolutely. Because just as you are super open in that very vulnerable moment and how impactful it can be to take these leaps towards where you want to go, it can be that much more impactful in a negative way and cause a ton of damage.

So perhaps let’s take some time to dig into that a little bit more. And I imagine, I think we touched on a little bit before is being able to just see. Distinguish, like you say, this is your desire, but what’s underneath that? Is this actually going to be positive in your life or is this reinforcing some previous trauma?

Um, and maybe just go a little bit more into that.

So that’s actually really, it’s a great conversation for us to have because often our sexual desires are created. Out of trauma and you know, it just is our first sexual experiences impact us and they become part of our orgasmic, orgasmic and arousal response patterning in our bodies.

So, if you had early trauma experiences that can anchor into. This is what sex looks like. This is what arousal response. I can only get, uh, I can only get turned on when I’m in shame. I can only get turned on if I reenact that trauma. And so it can get interwoven. Your sexual desires, your sexual wants can get woven into trauma.

And it can be a reenactment and you can stay in a trauma, trauma sex arousal loop over and over and over and over again. And I see this often in just in the average BDSM kink lifestyle, as well as in some of the alternative sexual lifestyles that we can have both this incredibly powerful, powerful healing possibilities, or we can stay re victimizing over and over and over and over and over again.

So. One of the indicators for me when I’m sitting with a potential client who’s coming and they’re, you know, we, we do, I do, I do this really comprehensive intake session. There’s like a, I have a hard limits list of like 300 different kink activities and we, they fill it out and we go into each activity.

I dive into like, why does that turn you on? What aspect of that turns you on? What triggers you? What doesn’t trigger you? Like I dive into like, it’s a four hour Session of intake of talk talking about the who they are as a sexual being one indicator for me If we’re done, we’re stuck in a trauma loop is when somebody has a very specific um fantasy So, for example, if somebody says to me, Okay, on this date, every year, Um, I want you to wear exac this thing, and say this thing to me, and we’re gonna re and it’s like, it’s very specific, what I’m wearing, what I say, what time of the year, when I do it, and they’re have their script of what they say, how they respond.

It’s a good indicator that they’re re enacting a trauma. For And so I will ask them, did this, when did this, first of all, did this ever actually happen to you? And often 98 percent of the time is yes. And I’m like, and how old were you when this happened? And it’s usually way younger than it should have been.

And I’m like, okay, so how about we break the trauma loop and we take out the trauma out of this experience and we embrace the trauma. So, say for example, uh, you know, it was a teacher that abused you, right? And so, how about, I’m the teacher, you’re the student, but let’s, let’s add some ages, right? Like, I am no longer, you know, you’re now a university student, I’m your professor, and, um, you’re getting punished specifically for not handling an assignment, and there can be sexual arousal in the power dynamic and the, Ooh, I didn’t get in trouble, but there’s not actual, we’re not re acting and re victimizing by reenacting the actual trauma that happened.

We can tease out what is the trauma and heal that piece. And we can embrace that components in the, uh, that create arousal within us, but we don’t have to reinforce over and over and over and over and over again, the trauma itself. So that’s a great, just like a kind of a good example of when we know where sexual arousal response is hooked into actual, uh, trauma and not a good place to reenact it.

Yes, and how it just reinforces that loop over and over and over again and creating those little shifts. helps you get out of that trauma loop and bring in some sense of empowerment. I, uh, will do somewhat of a similar flavor with meditations and pleasure practices of imagining this disempowered, experience you had, and then flipping the table, doing that thing that you imagine or wish you had done instead, telling that person off who just came in and shamed you for masturbating and being like, no, this is my body.

I want to like leave and how empowering that can be to really shift out of that trauma response and be able to heal from that.

Yeah, absolutely. What I find in the world of BDSM and kink is that not only, you’re not. The, the, the client who’s stuck in the arousal response to the trauma doesn’t see it as trauma.

They don’t feel disempowered in it. They, they are turned on by it. It’s arousing for them. It feels like it’s normal. And so that’s where that whole breaking the loop, it becomes more tricky because for the client themselves, like the clients come in that have. serious trauma and they’re like, okay, I know that this was traumatic.

I felt empowered. It’s like you said, I got shamed by masturbating the first time and you’re like, hell this is my body and you take your power back and you do all those stuff. It’s great. But where it’s really tricky is when somebody thinks that that wasn’t abuse and that wasn’t trauma and that is what sex looks like and it’s supposed to feel like that.

That’s where we get into that really delicate balance of being like, okay, that wasn’t healthy. You feel like it was healthy and that’s okay. But how about we try this over this way and see how that feels now that we’ve pulled out this other stuff over here. And so it becomes this new neural pathway of arousal response because arousal response can be created from traumatic experiences.

And so we get stuck in that trauma and the arousal response that comes to that. And I think in my work in particular, I see a lot of that in particular with men. That their sexual arousal response is hooked into abusive experiences that didn’t feel abusive to them at the time.

Okay. That makes a lot of sense.

What I’m hearing is like they have this particular situation, they don’t necessarily feel it’s traumatic, but it’s become like, this is how I get aroused and this is the only way I get aroused. Yes. And so being able to create these different flavors of the experience, it’s kind of rewiring. opening up different pathways to pleasure.

It’s not the exact same, it’s similar. We can experience similar things and then I’m getting a sense of perhaps you can add on different things from that and it just becomes the story you open up to different possibilities.

Yeah, because, you know, that, that, especially the teacher student, uh, abuse that often, uh, happens to young boys is that it’s in their peer group.

It’s hot that your teacher. It’s hot and you tell your fellow buddies, it was cool. Like you’re getting some from our hot, you know, math teacher, blah, blah, blah. It’s not seen by yourself, the peers. Um, that is an abusive experience, but it is, it fucks with your natural sexual evolution. It fucks with your ability to connect to your own.

age practices. Somebody took power that they should not have. Like there’s so there’s all these things, but it doesn’t seem or feel or look like from your peers that that was traumatic. And so that’s that loop that often is a huge problem. And then they, they’re always attracted to older women. And then they’re just like all this stuff that happens because of that experience.

Right. So, you know, it’s like our, we know that our first sexual experiences. imprint into who we become as sexual beings until we like do some recalibration and rewiring and clear some stuff that may have not necessarily been all very healthy in the beginning.

Mm hmm. And it sounds like with the beginning experience and say with the teacher and your friends are like, Oh yeah, like that’s a positive reinforcement in that particular situation.

So I can see how that reinforces that that much more.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so like, and in the world of kink. You can always find somebody that’s willing to reenact that experience with you, which continues to create a deeper neural pathway that reinforces that that’s how it’s supposed to be and blah blah blah, but so yeah, so that’s that’s where My trauma training and understanding trauma kind of helps me navigate Okay, we’re going to explore this sexual experience and we’re going to do it from a place of empowerment Healthiness, we’re not going to reinforce old traumatic shame producing Things that are really fucking up your life, we’re not we’re gonna fix that shit And you know, you’re gonna enjoy getting a spanking and i’ll use a ruler.

That’s fine But you know, i’m not wearing the same clothes as the teacher that abused you like so

Yeah, and I could see how like someone stuck in this loop the impact on their relationships and only being able to get off in this very particular way. And so being able to do healing with someone like you it really opens up this world and has such a positive impact on relationships because there’s all these other ways we can enjoy pleasure and get off together rather than just this very specific one.

Yes,

very

much so.

Yeah. And so for people that are curious in one way or another, how can they go about finding a safe person or really creating boundaries? Maybe they just want to explore this within their relationship. What, how can we really reinforce that safety

with? Okay. So before, cause we’ve been really talking about the trauma and the healing and the aspects, right?

Um, but let’s, If you’re wanting to do healing aspects of using King, then you’re going to need to reach out to a professional, me, somebody I know, like somebody that knows what they’re doing. Right. Don’t, don’t be like, Oh, I’m totally going to heal by being spanked. No, don’t bring it to your partner and be like, do not bring it to your partner.

And be like, you know, I really like you to spank me and heal me while you spank me. First of all, No one wants to be your therapist in the bedroom. That’s not super sexy. Okay

So if you want to do the healing side of things that we were talking about Reach out to a professional who knows what they’re doing now if you’re like, ooh, I actually just want to explore Kink and BDSM. That’s where I think it’s great you can introduce that into your life and you can do it in a way that you don’t need a professional.

But you do need training, like there needs to be education. It’s dangerous to tie somebody up. It’s dangerous to hit people and you don’t know how. It’s dangerous to be pegging somebody with a strap on and you know nothing about anal sex. These activities in the world of BDSM and kink are incredibly awesome and earth shattering and incredibly dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing.

So, the first thing you want to do is find some education, wherever you are at. Whether that’s an online course, I offer lots of that, or somebody that’s doing some online training. Find a course, start there. Read a book, start there. Like, so you want to start baby steps. You want, you don’t want to be like, Oh, I think we’re gonna try tying you from the ceiling and you’ve never tied a human being up before in your life.

Don’t start at the extreme. Don’t start there. All right, start with baby steps, baby steps. Education, education, education. Find some podcasts, read some books, take some online courses.

📍 📍 📍 📍 Then if you’re like, Ooh, while you’re doing that, there’s like stirring of the nether regions. Your genitals are like, Ooh, that was kind of hot.

And that kind of cited it. Maybe I want to explore that. Then there are things like every community has all over the world. Actually, they’re called munches. And a munch is basically a bunch of kinky people Wearing normal clothes, getting together at a restaurant or a coffee shop, and figuring out who’s in your community, who’s doing what, how to make some friends, some spaces where you can, like, find some, uh, safe spaces, if you’re, if you’re single.

And you’re wanting to see, okay, well, like, I’m maybe looking for a play partner. Then there’s a good place to meet somewhere public where you can meet each other and get to know each other with safety all around you. So you can go to FetLife. FetLife is Basically, Facebook for kinky people.

And FetLife is all over the world. So you know, you can be going, you can be living in Costa Rica, there’s a munch there. You could be living in Belize, there’s a munch there. You can live in butt fuck nowhere, there is a munch somewhere close to you. There’s kinky people everywhere.

So that’s your resource, right? Go to FetLife. Find where the munches are. There’s always events going on. So start with a munch. Then, when you’re at the munch, this is really important, is you want to talk to, especially if you’re new, you want to talk to the host. Right? They call them, sometimes it’s called a host, sometimes it’s called a dungeon master.

You want to talk to them and tell them that you’re new and is there anybody that they could recommend or, you know, who should you meet and who should they introduce you to. Okay? Otherwise, you’re going to sit there and feel really weird and really awkward and you’re going to be like a wallflower and you’re really going to be like, I don’t know what’s going on.

So that’s their job. Their job is to help you connect with your people. So, Go talk to them and they will help to connect you. Okay, so that you’re not at this event feeling awkward and weird and all alone in this like, what did I sign up for?

Yeah, let’s make this fun and enjoyable, right? Let’s make it fun and enjoyable, okay?

Um, then from there you can talk about play partners and you know, you can even go to some events where they’re like house parties and there’s different events that are going on, but you want to make sure that you have the support, the communication skills, the knowledge, before you step into the world of play.

And if you’re in as a relationship, then that’s a really good time to reach out, um, to a professional to say, Hey, you know what? We’ve done all this research. We found that, you know, you, we think we would like to explore this, this, and this. Reach out to a pro in your area. We’re everywhere in your area and have them teach you how to do it.

Have a session with them and let them show you and teach you how to do this safely, how to do this properly, and then you can go off and play and explore on your own. But you want the education, you want the support, you want the, How to do it properly. You want to make sure you’re doing aftercare. There’s a lot of moving pieces to exploring.

It’s more than just going around spanking people. Like there’s lots of things. There’s lots of moving pieces. It depends on what your kink is. You know, the one thing I want to, I often say to people is that everybody is kinky because one person’s vanilla sex, which is defined, I define by doing it missionary in the dark.

Um, outside of that. One person’s wild can be somebody else’s vanilla and somebody’s vanilla can be somebody else’s kink, right? So kink is just about going outside of what that doing it missionary Doing it with the lights off. I mean for some people oral sex is kinky, right? So like there is no Kink doesn’t mean swinging from the chandeliers and extreme stuff.

It can be doing some food play. It could do giving central massage. It could be group sex. There’s so much in the realm of kinky exploration. It’s not all whips and chains. I just want to invite everybody that it’s not always about having to have a dungeon and flogging and hitting and torture and all those things.

Even though those things are great, but it doesn’t have to start there. I wouldn’t recommend it starting there. I recommend you make baby steps, gradually going to that with the support. And when you have support and you do it from this place, trauma doesn’t happen. But I can guarantee you, if you don’t do these steps that I just shared with you, trauma will happen and it can ruin relationships.

I’ve seen it ruin many, many relationships where somebody spanked too hard, didn’t understand safe words. Somebody was triggered. They didn’t know what they were doing. Somebody got triggered. They didn’t know how to handle it. And now, They feel violated. They feel like you’ve been, you are now their abuser because there wasn’t all the support and navigation and communication and negotiation that needed to happen, so that everybody did it in a way that was good for them.

So, Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps

on the baby steps. Yeah, as we touched on in the therapeutic realm, like when you’re so vulnerable and open, there’s big opportunity for big damage. So we do not just want to go full blown into anything, reach out to a professional. And I’m so glad you touched on all of those things because we do have the more therapeutic realm for this conversation.

And I can see it perhaps stirring up some excitement and curiosity in some people. So to just make sure you do those baby steps and perhaps you’re open to coming back for another episode to dig in a little bit more on that like personal side of things and not just And, uh, one thing with the kink that really came to mind is Jaya’s work with erotic blueprints really opened my mind to what kink really does encompass.

It’s not all chains and whips and hanging from the chandelier like you said. It could be just having different textures, having some fur or some skin. some chains having that metal, like just those different sensations can be really kinky. There’s a whole world of possibilities to play around with.

Oh yes.

And I mean, it’s simple as putting adding a blindfold to your experience, right? I mean, just taking one sense out. So the other ones are active and the vulnerability and the surrender that goes along with those things creates this, um, Uh, wonderful connection of deep levels of intimacy. Like, I deeply believe that when we are exploring, which means we, as humans, we’re not stagnant as sexual beings.

We, we evolve, right? Our sexual evolution, our sexual desires evolve. And when we can evolve. and be vulnerable with others, it creates a new level of intimacy and a new level of trust, which creates more intimacy, which creates more exploration, which like that. It’s like this beautiful evolution that we go on when we allow ourselves and when we get our heads and our shame and our belief systems out of the way, there’s what our head says is okay.

And then there’s where our genitals say, okay, they’re usually not on the same page. Our genitals are Way easier going than our brains are. So yeah.

Yeah. What comes to mind is I like to say the greatest transformation comes through the taboo. I heard it through my mentor, Layla Martin, and it’s, we can have so much stigma.

Our genitals are desiring a certain thing, but we have all these fucked up beliefs in our head that are holding us back. It’s bad.

It’s wrong. It’s dirty. It’s shame. You’re going to hell. Whatever the belief system is. And your genitals are like, what are you talking about? This is hot. Let’s do it. Let’s party.

That’s right. Touch him. Come on. Touch it.

Uh, and when we can like overcome that through this portal of sexuality, it’s just this incredible ripple effect with the connection with ourselves, the connection with our partners. Like you said, that deeper level of intimacy and connection just continues to evolve. It’s truly incredible.

The one thing I would also like to share is that, In order to have, um, epic, ethical, consensual, kinky exploration, communication is the, the one skill set that has to exist.

And so, over the years of, many years of working with couples, sexless relationships, all this stuff, having them, Be able to communicate. Okay, here are what my secret desires are. And the other person to hold space of I’m not going to be judgmental and I’m going to hold space and I’m just going to be there with you and thank you for sharing.

And, and then being like, Hmm, does that arouse me? No. Does some of it arouse me? Maybe I’m willing to try some of it and then coming back and being like, all right, you know, I always use this example as, okay, so say your desire is to be spanked with a rubber chicken while wearing a tutu. Right? So that’s your deep dark desire.

And so, you go to your partner and you share that space with each other and you talk about it. And your partner’s like, you know, I’m really not into wearing tutus, but I think I might want to try to spank you with a rubber chicken. That could be kind of fun. Right? And so it’s not all or nothing. It’s the, it’s the, and because it’s not all or nothing, it helps couples and people to have able, if you could have a conversation about negotiating, how you’re gonna, you know, get spanked by a rubber chicken while wearing a tutu, you can now talk about, uh, Difficult conversations like money in your relationship and parenting in your relationship and religion in your relationship Because you just had the most difficult awkward Uncomfortable conversation of your life and you navigated it and you laughed and you had a great time and you were able to make it Move it with each other in this new way of talking, you now all the things that seem hard like money, religion, belief system, all these things that you’re like, no way I could never tell my partner that I want this or we can, you know, we never talk about this thing.

Now it’s like, I could have that conversation about rubber chickens. I’m good. We can talk about anything. Go ahead. Tell me what, what is your problem? What’s going on? What do we need to just, what do we need to heal? And so I’ve see drastically with relationships. When the couple start by working in the realm of kink and sexuality and deep sexual exploration, now all the other areas that were problematic in the relationship become not problems anymore because of the communication, the vulnerability, the intimacy that is created in that realm.

And it’s been, it’s been so phenomenally powerful watching people being like, yeah, yeah. You can have that conversation. You can talk about, you can go ask for a raise. You can do anything. Like, there’s nothing you can’t talk about now.

Absolutely. I was just thinking that, like, when you can have that vulnerable, like, kink discussion, going to talk to your boss, like, no big deal.

That’s no problem. You can easily do that.

Yeah. And so you One of the things in the kink world is communication, communication, communication. And whether you are playing for the first time, whether you’re an ongoing play partner, it’s always about negotiating before you get into sex. Which is different.

Then our traditional sexual encounters, right? We usually don’t talk about sex. We end up getting drunk. We end up getting horny. We end up having sex, we regret, we have sex regret. There’s all these things that happen. We didn’t get our needs met. Sometimes, you know, no safe, sexist practice. There’s so many things that go wrong.

Because traditionally, in the non kink world anyways, that talking about sex beforehand somehow isn’t sexy and somehow, uh, makes the, the hotness and the steaminess go away. And what ends up happening is you have this by product of crap that ends up happening of like the worst sex of your life, but in the kink, you’re not allowed to do that.

Like it’s just, it’s really reinforced both in the community and the non community is that. There’s no way that I’m going to spank you and tie you up without having a conversation, like, what’s your health, where’s your body, what’s going on, what’s the things, what’s your safe words, like, there’s all this pre, pre sex talk, basically, that makes so that you have great sex, and then, There’s the, what do you need after we have this experience, which again, in our traditional hookups, we don’t talk about, well, what does it mean if we fucked this one person’s like, well, that was great.

Thanks. Thanks very much. I don’t need to know your name. And the other person’s like, but you’re the one now I’m going to marry you. Like we had sex. That’s what that means. Right. Where in the kink world, I already know that if I If, if we’ve already had a conversation about what you need afterwards, what do you need emotionally, what do you need physically, what do you need after our experience with each other to feel, continue to feel good and to feel safe about it.

So, I would love if we could bring all those concepts together. into how the average person has just regular hookup sex, I think things would be very, very different. We would not have all this bad sex that we had while we were drunk. Yes.

That’s not the vibe. No. And it really ties into that positive reinforcement and reward, because we can just have, whether it’s drunken sex, or obligation sex is another one I see.

Yep. regularly. And so it’s negatively reinforcing these experiences. So it’s avoidant definitely don’t want to have the conversation because that explodes doesn’t go the right way. And then you keep having the bad sex. And so when you can learn to have the conversations, have just the conversation itself go in a positive way, like that’s, that’s one of those baby steps.

Then having it lead to the enjoyable stuff. And then having that continue and continue, that flips and then even talking about sex instead of avoiding it. Oh, that itself is a turn on. Oh, we get better and better sex each time and it keeps positively enforcing it.

And I think the after, after sex.

Navigation is also an important part of that reinforcement, right? Like that awkwardness of after you’ve had sex that you’ve you haven’t talked about what that means And now one person’s like why are you fucking keep texting me? We just fucked and the other person’s like why I feel used I feel like a piece of shit blah blah like all the shame about you just being took advantage of me and because we didn’t talk about it and so that which then of course continues So it’s like that reinforcement that you talked about So it’s like before we have a good conversation and then we have great sex and then I feel good about it Afterwards for days after I feel good.

I don’t feel shame. I don’t feel icky I don’t feel like anything wrong and then I can do it again and this time it’s even better because it’s reinforced So yeah, it’s a beautiful Beautiful. It can be. I just need to reframe that. It’s not always. Not everybody does the things that I’m talking about. But when the people do, That’s usually what happens.

We have good, good and good. And then we have great, great and great. And then it goes to epic, epic, epic. Yeah.

Epic orgasms all around.

Yeah, and you can definitely see how the aftercare is an important piece. Because you can have the great conversation, the great sex. and then the aftercare is not there, you’re left hanging and then that’s that negative side. So that’s really important to close that container and then keep that positive loop going.

Yeah. Well, this is so much fun. Thank you so much, Gaia. I would love to have you back.

I’d love to be back. I love talking. So that’s great. Lots of fun. We had great talk. We have great chemistry. So absolutely, I would love to be back.

Fantastic. Thank you. So we will have you back before we close off this conversation, though.

I would just love to hear any tips or advice or last words of wisdom you would like to share for those curious and really looking to embrace their unapologetic authenticity in this way.

Um, so my one thing I really want to leave, uh, the audience with is that, um, Your deepest, darkest desire is your true sexual being.

And when we are afraid of it, when we don’t explore it, when we don’t talk about it, it’s continually keeping us from truly blossoming and being who you really are as a sexual being, but also who you really are in the world. And it’s in that space in which we share with others, um, safe people, um, And come to this acceptance.

So if we are in, that’s what I want. So often I see so many clients eventually like, ah, fuck it. I’m going to finally do the thing, but it is my deep dark secret. I’ve been listening to Empress for years. Okay. I’m going to do it. I’m going to call her. And it’s like this awakening happens within them. And there’s so many tears.

There’s so much fear. tears of like, why did I wait till I was 65? Why did I wait until I was 70 years old? Why did I wait so long to embrace who I am and feel safe in a safe environment to truly embrace who I, what my desires are and who I am. And so that’s what I would love to leave you with is that don’t wait.

Don’t, don’t say, I’ll do it later, I’ll do it when I retire, I’ll do it when the kids are out, I’ll do it when I get divorced, I’ll do it, like, don’t wait until you are much older, do it now, because you eventually will get to it, and when you do, you will cry and grieve about all the years that you lost of not being able to truly be who you are.

So that’s what I would like to leave the audience with is don’t wait.

Do it now. So powerful. I have tingles all over my body hearing you say that and it’s so true. I, I won’t even add on to it because that was so beautifully said in itself. So thank you so much to those listening. Do not wait. Don’t wait.

Don’t wait. The time is now. There’s no better time than now. Yeah.

And if you want to spend time with me and you’re like, okay, I, you know, I’m looking forward to reaching out and spending some time with me. You can find me at Empress Gaia. com and for all of my non kink life stuff that I do, you can find me at Gaia Morissette.

com. And that’s kind of like the gateway to all things me so that you can go at, you can find the place that feels safe for you to play with me. And, uh, that’s the best way to go. To reach out.

Wow. That’s so nice that you do have that kind of home space with those different pathways to just really look in and see what feels right for you.

So thank you. We will have all of that linked for those listening. And thank you again. I can’t wait to have you back. Awesome.

Two. Oops. Not leave. Stop recording.